Prophets, Dead Cats and Prosperity

Down here in the Dirty South we got us a bona fide, sure-as-snot rambling prophet.  Oh yes we do!  He is “The Original Georgia Prophet”,  thee Rev. Roosevelt Franklin.  The first time I saw him on the TV, I nearly soiled myself. It’s like watching that scene from the Hangover….when that Asian dude jumps out the back of the trunk?  It’s like watching that over and over and over.  It gets funnier every time.

I honestly thought it was a joke at first.   How can you take a master pimp seriously with his leopard print toga and fake ferns in the background…talking about prosperity and the like?  It’s obvious that the prophet smokes copious amounts of the finest weed.  Okay, first of all….look at his picture.  Now…look at what he thinks he can do:

* He has been gifted with the power from the Almighty God to motivate his people with the positive thinking attitude to help them succeed in whatever they want.

*  The Prophet speaks himself 7 languages and knows all things of all religions worldwide.

*  Thousands…you hear me?  THOUSANDS of people have went and got blessed with big houses, yachts, diamonds, cars and huge bank accounts.

*  Hundreds have passed the test and gotten themselves the jobs they desire.

*  Hundreds have listened to the Prophet and gotten themselves some fine looking, job-having husbands and wives.

*  The miraculous works of this man have been an assets to doctors, pawn shop owners and operators, politicians, attorneys and all people of high status.

All in the world the Prophet wants is for you to have yourself some prosperity!  And it’s easy.  You just shove some money in an envelope and and send it on to him, then sit back and wait for the miracles to ensue.

Earlier I called him a “Pimp”.  And here’s why.  He’s got a coven of “Clear Thinkers”.

Sis. Kat, Skilled in the Art of Clairvoyance.
Knowledgeable in the removal of bad luck snake spirits that can fill your life with hearth ache and despair.  Expert on all walks of natural and supernatural.


Sis. Mary will help you to obtain Miracles and Prosperity.

Provides the 7 Sister Miracle Package to anyone who needs it.  Sis. Mary can straighten everything out and can help you get the blessings that you need and deserve.

Sis. Maxine, the “Voodoo/Hoodoo Expert”

She can “fix it and unfix it”.  She has travelled to find the solution to your problems and put you back on the right track.

Sis. Martha, Expert on all Unnatural Conditions.

She can help you get that dead cat off your line.  If you are experiencing the effects of black magic, hoodoo, voodoo, jinxes, rootwork, witchcraft, evil spirits, etc., then you need Sis Martha on yourside to help you out of that unnatural condition.

It’s like a virtual treasure trove of potential cash ‘n stuff over there at the Prophet’s hovel.  You can get a prosperity bag, a blessings bag….charms, coins, oils.  However.  You must send the prophet money every week to get your blessings and thangs.  About 4 years ago, I wrote him a letter with like 53 cents in the envelope…saying I was living under the Flint river bridge and was praying for a miracle.  I didn’t hear back from anyone.  Nor did I get me any prosperity.

Here’s the classiest thing about the Prophet’s website…..look up there in the top right corner…and you’ll see food-stamps coming up out the wallet like a holy apparition.

If you’re not a church-goer, then the Prophet is right up your alley.  You can kick back with something to drink and listen to this multi-media presentation, “The Echo of Prophecy” on Sunday morning.

If I find out that any of my readers become converts and believers of the Pimp Prophet and his harem of Clear Thinkers….I will remove you AND your subscription and ban you from all things whimsical and profound.

I promise you.  I’ll do it.

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