Fairy Houses and Forest Animals

Oh yes I did….zee Fairy House project from days ago.  I couldn’t find real moss, so I bought a bag of moss, mkay?  Mkay…..I opened the bag and (excuse the crassness of what I’m about to say)…but it smelled like pre-packaged poop that had been sitting in a wooden bowl in the middle of the Sahara desert for approximately 10-12 weeks.  It was terrible.  Cali said no fairy in her right mind would live in the place, so I guess that’s why it’s on the sparse side.  Mentally ill fairies don’t need a lot of trivial knick-knacks and whatnot.  I wanted to trick the place out….but that MOSS!

I also whipped up a couple of forest animals…which were immediately swiped and mucked up by the resident short person.  I’m well aware that they look like two unemployed animals who have taken to drinking and eating snacks, but you get what you get.

So that’s it, then.  The kid is passed out on the floor so I’m going to run and drank me some Kool-Aid and eat me some of them Pop Tart mini chip things.

Bouncy Ball Kit: I Approve!

About a year ago, Cali picked out a $5 “activity kit” from Hobby Lobby.  The box claimed you could make bouncy balls in just a couple of minutes.  Really? I highly doubted it.  But it worked….and it was AWESOME! (I said that in a sing-song voice)

So awesome, in fact, that Santa brought her the deluxe mega kit for Christmas.  Since it’s 103 degrees outside today, we pulled out the balls and let the good times roll.  Here’s how we did it.  If you want some of your own, go here.

Summer Vacation and Low Expectations

First day of summer vacation here.  When I say “vacation”, I mean the kid is out of school and in need of food and festivities.  Cali is one of those kids who has to be engaged from the rooter to the tooter; otherwise, she’s like one of those “Lord of the Flies” kids.

Every summer vacation starts the same.  Planning the calendar, scheduling stuff, making treats.  But after the 5th day in, I’m usually screaming, “Dear god make the pain go away!!”  And Cali is screaming, “I hate you and want new parents and a mansion!”

So this year I’ve set my expectations rather low.  I accept that I’m not one of those Bloggy Moms who appear to lead perfect lives via their websites.  I like to tell myself that they drink heavily behind the scenes and wear girdles.  I also accept that my kid isn’t one of the angels from a GAP commercial who skips and smiles.

So maybe this summer will be better, what with the bar set so low and all.  It’s 8 a.m. and Cali is out there in the pool jabbering loudly to the dog….no doubt making ALL the neighbors clap with delight.  Ordinarily this would bother me.  Today, it does not.  I went outside in boxers and no make-up.  Ordinarily THIS would bother me…but today it does not.  May have something to do with the PMS.  It’s hard to say for sure.

At any rate….here’s what’s on today’s agenda:

*  Construct a fairy house

*  Try to keep Cali from eating all the Jello cups in one sitting

That’s pretty much it.  I’ll post pics later to document my success or failure.  Hopefully by then I’ll have pants and make-up on.

Free Printables…for to entertain your kid.

So my offspring is on Spring Break this week.  Lookit.  I’m jumping up and down with joy.  It’s actually not terribly bad this year because her Daddy also took some time off to run interferance.  Thanks to Murphy and his shoddy list of laws, it went from sunny and 80 degrees to cold and rainy just about the time Spring Break started.

So.  Inside activities.  Yesterday was jigsaw puzzle day.  She did manage to walk her fanny down to the lake and fetch some nasty snail shells for me to clean.  Sometimes I wonder if she wouldn’t be happier out there in the doghouse, free to wander with abandon.   I’d take her to the Mall, but that’s like slow suicide, so I’ll have to come up with something else.

If you want some free printables, here’s a list of my faves.  You’d be surprised how long a kid can stay busy with a glue stick, scotch tape and a stack of printable fun times and crafts.  Some of these sites are for the Mamas…scrapbook and journal ephemera and whatnot.  Get busy!

(Click on images)

Familyfun.com

Kid Printables

DLTK Printable Crafts

Activity Village

Crayola

Paper Glitter

Karen’s Whimsy (Vintage paper dolls, ephemera, etc.)

Go Make Something (Collage art)

Graphic’s Fairy (Free vintage clip art)

Jingerup (Prints and patterns too cute for words)

Art-e-Zine (Vintage resources)

Living Locurto

Brilliantly Cheap Chair Covers!

Here’s what confuses me.  Why in tarnation are bath towels and chair covers so flipping expensive?!  I’m talking about the chair covers for party times and weddings.  I shopped around last year for my daughter’s birthday party and nearly soiled myself at the sheer magnitude of the cost.  Even the rentals were stupid!

So I sat around for about a week looking like the “Thinker” sculpture.  I thought of everything…sewing them myself.  Uh no.  Too much work and stress.  Crepe paper.  Nah…too fragile.  Table covers?  Too slippery.  Pillowcases?  Hmm.  That could work.  That could work!!

So I went to Sam’s Club and bought a case of 24 white Riegel pillowcases for $30, then trotted over to Michaels and got a couple rolls of tulle ($10 each) and ran home with my fingers and toes crossed.  How ’bout the pillowcases were a perfect fit for your standard rental folding chair?!  Who knew?!  Plus they were mine to keep for future party times!

And here’s the final result!  On a side note, 90% of the party decor was loot from the Dollar Store!

Dollar Store Magic Times

I’m addicted to the Dollar Store the way Ezel is addicted to crack.  Seriously.  I’m like MacGyver up in there.  So I figured I’d periodically share some of my Dollar-ific creations….feel free to totally rip off my ideas.  In this economy, I encourage you to do so.

‘Pretty in Pink’

*  Glass cylinder vase: $1

*  Three (3) silk flower stems: $3

*  White satin ribbon: $1

*  Scrapbook paper: $1

TOTAL:  $6 of royal cheapness!

Another variation…also $6 (Dollar Store):

Online Parental Surrogates

Here’s my theory.  Kids these days are born with some bio-cryonic freak gene that makes them computer-savvy at the ripe age of fetus.  I’m just about sick of my 5 year old making me look stupid.  Sometimes I want to get in her face like a Marine drill sergeant and call her names like “Maggot” and “Meat”.  I know that sounds harsh, but the kid is a smack-talker.

So much so, in fact, that her Daddy and I have stopped playing Wii with her.  I don’t have to sit there while some punk kid yells “Boo-Ya!” in my face every time she makes a hole-in-one or knocks me off a horse.  So I got up and walked.  I figure eventually Cali will run into another smack-talker in the wide world of sports and she’ll get what’s coming to her.

I know there are some hard-core moms out there who have made a vow to god and all things holy that their child will never come within 3 miles of a video game.  I’m not one of those moms.  I’m the mom who puts her kid on a leash in the airport.  Don’t judge me.

So anyway….I decided to post my top 5 websites that act as surrogates when I’m bloated and PMS-ing.  I promise you, they’re all kinds of clean and educational and violence-free.

1)  AGKidzone (American Greetings):

2)  Hub World:

3)  Fisher Price (ideal for the wee ones):

4)  Barbie:

5) Funbrain (mucho noggin stiumulation):

Preskool High Times

I’m fixing to bequeath some knowledge to ya’ll this Monday morning that will make you start eye-balling these “artistic” younguns under a whole new light bulb.  At first I thought it was cute.  Giggling children, clustered together, sharing their artistic dreams and visions over craft paper and piles of markers and colored pencils.  Oh how refreshing.  The sound of a child’s laughter.  Took me all of about five minutes to recognize that “laugh”.

The first time I heard that laugh was outside a Goodwill store on the east side of Columbus, Ohio.  Two homeless guys leaning up against a fence, middle of winter, camo-green spray paint all over their faces….laughing like hyenas in heat.  Which, of course, got ME to laughing.  So there we were.  Two huffers and a chick, laughing until the huffers soiled themselves and the chick walked off in disgust.  This was my first exposure to huffing.  I was a bit long in the tooth to just be learning about this stuff – 22 years old.  But I went to Jesus School, people.  Mkay?  Huffers aren’t tolerated in Jesus School.

From then on….if you wanted to be my friend and hang out with ME?  Then you better not have been a huffin’ fool.  It just don’t make no sense.  Sticking your stupid face down in a paper sack chuck full ‘o demon paint fumes and breathing it all in like a bouquet of daisies.  It goes way beyond ignorant.  So far, in fact, that I can’t find the appropriate wording.

So imagine my disgust and horror when I see my 4 year old daughter squatting underneath a picnic table in the back yard with two Crayola Silly Scented markers stuck up her nose, rocking back and forth in a state of ignorant bliss.  I’m sure I reacted the same way a mother would react if she found her 2 year old shooting up heroine over the kitchen sink.  She didn’t even blink when I snatched those markers out her nose.  ”Witch’s Brew” and “Dragon Drool”.  I knew I should’ve never bought these stupid markers!  I should’ve listened to that small quiet voice that was saying, “Now, you know your kid is gonna get high with those things!”  But I shook it off and dropped the box into my Target shopping cart.  Because no parent wants to believe their 4 year old’s drug dealer has a name like Crayola.

So.  No more scented NOTHING in our house while the kid is still under the roof.  I had to put my Sharpie markers under lock and key like top shelf liquor.  Looking back to my own childhood, I think I know why I had such a vast collection of Smelly Stickers.  Didn’t have a thing to do with sticker collecting.  It had everything to do with Jesus School.  Essentially, Smelly Stickers were like Christian huffing.  I was a huffer in sheep’s clothing.

The apple never falls too far from the tree.  But at least I had the good sense to keep myself inside…unlike my kid.  All squatted down under a picnic table like a Neanderthal.  So keep your eyes peeled, parents!  Listen out for that maniacal laugh, then look for a pack of Crayola Silly Scents markers.   I don’t why I’m shocked by any of this.  It’s not like Crayola is trying to be subtle.  They clearly tell you:

With zany names and scents, these markers will not only spark children’s imaginations but also keep them laughing.

• Available in 8 ct.
• Includes – Scary Movie, Dragon Drool, Freaky Phoenix, plus 5 other fun color and scent combinations!

I smell a boycott coming on.  Who’s coming with me?!

Pumpkins, Candy and Tutus

Whew.  Halloween down…now onto Christmas!  Here’s what went down over the past month or so. (Click on image for slide-show.)

Irresponsible Party Planning 101

While the responsible writers and bloggers have been informing the world of current events and happenings, I’ve been armpit deep in a gross display of party planning extravagance that borders on the obscene.  My daughter and her BFF are having a “Princess & Knights” party in tandem and we, the mothers, have went and lost the good sense God gave us.  My partner in party-plannery gives a HI-larious account of this debauchery over at Deep South Observations.

I, on the other hand, will merely post pics of what we’ve done so far.  Almost every single thing is handmade…the tutus, tunics, bouquets….HANDMADE, YA’LL!!!  The Other Mother has this whack notion of getting this party featured in Town & Country and every party-planning blog in the blogosphere.  God bless her.  The humidity done went and rendered her stupid.   Did I mention there will be real ponies at this party?

So here’s what our spoiled filthy little five year olds have to look forward to: