Random Ignorance

Okay, I have a good excuse for not writing.  We got a new lab puppy and I’ve been armpit-deep in misbehaving and shenanigans.  If she wasn’t so cute, I’d feed her pickled pig’s feet and put Tobasco sauce on her bottom lip.  See?  Cute, eh?

Anyway…I have put together a slide-slow of stupidity. Don’t try to figure it out.  It won’t make sense and you’ll feel inferior.

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The Art of Ugly Christmas Lights

Don’t sit there and tell me there wasn’t a house in your neighborhood that went completely and totally out of their way to turn their yard and house into an abomination of festive commotion.  Maybe YOU are that particular home owner.  (They talk about you at the Association meetings, you know.)  We were never allowed to play with the kids who lived in these houses, either.

“If they do that to the OUTSIDE of their house…can you imagine what the INSIDE looks like?!”

As an abnormally curious kid, it was precisely these houses I wished to enter. I’d lay awake at night and imagine the sinister goings-on that went down in the Houses of Festive Light Bright Happy Times.  Now that I’m grown, I do drive-bys….hoping to catch a glimpse of those who abuse the invention of electricity.  Ever notice that people are never seen entering or leaving these homes?  It’s like they have groundhog tunnels or something.  They probably have an Ugly Lights Club where they all feel a sense of belonging and swap gifts of extension cords and bulb fuses.

Hey, ugly light people: All because you CAN…doesn’t mean you SHOULD.  Mkay?

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So Scared of Santa That I Soiled Myself!

You know how after a world war of some type…they punish some of the leaders for crimes against humanity?  I think they should do that about one week after Christmas.  Round up all these nasty little Mall and Senior Living Center santas and do something to them that will make THEM cry and nearly soil themselves.  Then take a picture of it.  Now THAT would be funny.

Thanks to a strict religious upbringing, Santa visits were virtually non-existent in my house.  There’d be the occasional rogue Santa that would make his way into our lives, but we knew enough to steer clear of him, then pray for his forgiveness and sanctification.

What is the screening process for these Mall santas, exactly?  Does anyone know?  Are they required to keep their binge drinking to a minimum during Mall hours and encouraged to not disclose their criminal background?  Because….NEWSFLASH!  We can see ALL that…loud and clear!

Anyway…here are some shameful santas  and the traumatized children who will probably grow up and wet the bed well into their mid 30′s.

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