The Redundancy of Depression

I want you to look good and hard at the above picture.  What would you say is going on here?  At first glance, you may say to yourself, “Oh, that’s a malpractice suit waiting to happen.”  Or…”Inappropriate physician behavior.”  I could proceed with a variety of possible scenarios, but WordPress would probably shut me down for inexcusable adult content.

Truth be told, this is the new ad campaign for Abilify.

ABILIFY^® (aripiprazole) is a prescription medicine used to treat depression in adults as an add-on treatment to an antidepressant when an antidepressant alone is not enough.

Okaaay.  So what you’re trying to tell me is:

ABILIFY^® (aripiprazole) is a prescription medicine that we invented to bamboozle the grown folk into believing Pill #1 is inferior and can’t POSSIBLY be effective because we chemically made it that way, unbeknownst to all ya’ll depressed jackasses out there.

Abilify’s original commercials showed middle aged adults slinking around the house in rumpled pajamas, crying over stacks of over-due credit card bills and not feeding the cat for days.  Apparently their demographic research was faulty.  So they put their swollen heads together and came up with a NEW commercial,  more kid-friendly.

So I decided to try a human behavior experiment.  I muted the commercial and made my 5 year old kid watch it, then give me her interpretation.  Here’s what she said:

“What kind of pet is that?  She should’ve bought a cute kitten.  But not a cat like Tess.  Tess is repressed.”

Tess is our cat.  A chronically DEPRESSED cat.  Cali’s interpretation of the word is REPRESSED.  (Is there even a difference?)

So in a round-about way, Cali somehow saw “depression” in that commercial.  Was it an intentional subliminal message or just a coincidence?  I shudder to think.  Either way, I struggle to grasp the intent.  Make meds friendlier?  More approachable?  Less scary?

I’ll tell you what’s scary.  That side-effect guy at the END of the commercial talking 500 mph and the only words you catch are “bloody stool” and “sudden drooling”.

I made a little movie about this very subject that will give you further insight into this new miracle-cure for the dysfunctional anti-depressant.

I give you…..Abilify vs. Cocaine!

Big Pharma Killed the Mom & Pop Shop

 

I don’t know about you, but I’m partial to the Mom ‘n Pop establishments over the Big Chain Monsters.  Just this past week, I went to my pharmacy to drop off some refills and was informed that they were no longer open and I would have to truck it down to Walgreens or CVS from now on.

WHAT?!  My pharmacy rocked!  It was like one of those old-timey places that seemed to have everything you needed.  If you needed to mail a letter, there was a post office desk  for your convenience.  Got a brat that won’t shut up?  They had a toy rack for all your worthless purchasing needs.  They answered the phone, “Hello, April!”, like some kind of  pharma-psychic phenomena.  If you were too sick (or lazy), they’d deliver the meds right to your front door for one dollar.  ONE DOLLAR!

The pharmacist was so familiar with me that he snatched a box of antihistamine away from me last spring because he knew that if I’d taken them, my blood pressure would have dropped, followed by ME dropping….all due to an interaction with the meds I was currently taking.

You don’t find that type of customer service anymore.  Shoot…some of these Big Pharma places would’ve probably snickered while ringing up my antihistamine….talking about, “Oh, THIS should be fun to watch!”

So when we were told our pharmacy had closed, my 5 year old daughter began to cry…”Where am I gonna get my little Coca-Cola’s at now?!”    Which made the pharmacist start to cry.  Which made my anxiety level raise to an unacceptable level.  I’m sad to say that my daughter won’t grow up knowing places like this.  It makes me realize that I should’ve appreciated those small-town stores while I had the chance.  Now I’m forced to shop in stores the size of Libya, where the cashiers are rude and customer service is non-existent.

It’s all quite sad, really.  Here are some throw-back vintage pharmacy ads that will make you want to rub some bourbon on your cranky baby’s gums and upper lip.

 

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Looking For Love In All the Wrong Places

I know there are some of ya’ll out there right this very second, prowling around…trying to find yourself some lovin’ by Monday morning.  And that’s fine…I ain’t mad atcha.  But for all things holy, don’t go anywhere near what you’re about to see here.  Unless you’re a freaky weasel. But let me be the voice of reason.  Come Tuesday, you’ll be stuck with a human hemorrhoid that cannot be removed with the salve.

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Mr. Migraine vs. Ms. Menstrual

HEAR YE, HEAR YE!

CONSUMER REPORT ALERT OF SCAMMISH PROPORTIONS!

There’s nothing worse than a hardcore migraine.  When it descends, you fall out on the floor like they do in those snake-handlin’ churches.  You shut all the lights off, screaming in pain…talking about how anyone who pesters you is going to die.  And it’ll be fast.

Why, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say that sure sounds an awful lot like PMS, eh?  It’s like they’re twins of the identical order.  It took me a minute, but I figured it out.  Excedrin with their pompous selves…taking us for a bunch of mentally challenged yard apes.

Let me break it down for you.  I’d show you pictures, but I threw away my migraine bottle after buying the menstrual bottle.  Yes.  I’m a sucka.  At any rate….here are the active ingredients for both products:

EXCEDRIN MIGRAIN (Active Ingredients)

* Acetaminophin – 250 mg.  Pain Reliever

* Aspirin (NSAID) – 250 mg. Pain Reliever

* Caffeine – 65 mg. Pain Reliever Aid

 

EXCEDRIN MENSTRUAL COMPLETE (Active Ingredients)

* Acetaminophin – 250 mg.  Pain Reliever

* Aspirin (NSAID) – 250 mg. Pain Reliever

* Caffeine – 65 mg. Diuretic

Now, you see there?  See how slippery they were with their verbage?  It all boils down to one word: DIURETIC.  A woman sees that and says, “I’m bout sick of feeling like a beached ‘n bloated dead whale in June and being a slave to the calendar!  Oh thank goodness for Excedrin Menstrual Complete and it’s diuretic properties!”  A woman will say that right out loud in the store.  Then another woman will hear her cries of rapture and drop her canned ham and rush to the pain relief aisle, snatching up all that’s left of the miraculous Excedrin Menstrual Complete….for $8 a pop.  (The ‘Migraine’ version is around $4.)  Because women with raging PMS are greedy and ruthless.

Then there’ll be that one woman who wasn’t quick enough.  She’ll be standing there all dejected with her lip quivering, talking about, “Why is it I’m always last in line?  Now what am I going to do?  I can’t go home without that Excedrin Menstrual Complete.”

As she turns to leave the aisle, she trips over a bottle of Excedrin Migraine and kicks it clear to bedding & bath  because she’s angry now and hard liquor and vanilla wafers are the only things that can fix this type of angry.

So there you have it people.  Be ye not scammed no more!  We must rise up as united consumers and prove that we’re smarter than a caveman!  Let’s do it!

Now here’s a word from our sponsor.