Sketchy Easter Bunnies

You know those people who like to smell feet and pantyhose?  Those were the kids that got forced to sit on a sketchy bunny’s lap.  I might have sat on a bunny lap once.  As I recall, his hands were dirty.  You have to sit and ask yourself: what is the long-term psychological damage of bunny lap sitters?  Perhaps someone should sling some grant money my way and I’ll look into it.  You know…follow some lap-sitters around from the ages of 5 through 50.  Better yet, film it.  As documented proof that sketchy Easter bunnies cause brain damage.

I’ve compiled a slideshow that I hope serves as a warning to those eager parents out there who force their children into the laps of nasty strangers.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Dollar Store Magic Times

I’m addicted to the Dollar Store the way Ezel is addicted to crack.  Seriously.  I’m like MacGyver up in there.  So I figured I’d periodically share some of my Dollar-ific creations….feel free to totally rip off my ideas.  In this economy, I encourage you to do so.

‘Pretty in Pink’

*  Glass cylinder vase: $1

*  Three (3) silk flower stems: $3

*  White satin ribbon: $1

*  Scrapbook paper: $1

TOTAL:  $6 of royal cheapness!

Another variation…also $6 (Dollar Store):

Sunday Treasures

It’s Sunday, I’m lazy and don’t even care.  SO.  Here are some of my featured Etsy treasuries.  Check ‘em out, support ‘handmade’  and buy yourself something purty!  (Click on photos)

Be an Opener of Doors

Friday’s Child

Tu-Tu Cute, Baby

Green With Envy

Why the Caged Bird Sings

Big Pharma Killed the Mom & Pop Shop

 

I don’t know about you, but I’m partial to the Mom ‘n Pop establishments over the Big Chain Monsters.  Just this past week, I went to my pharmacy to drop off some refills and was informed that they were no longer open and I would have to truck it down to Walgreens or CVS from now on.

WHAT?!  My pharmacy rocked!  It was like one of those old-timey places that seemed to have everything you needed.  If you needed to mail a letter, there was a post office desk  for your convenience.  Got a brat that won’t shut up?  They had a toy rack for all your worthless purchasing needs.  They answered the phone, “Hello, April!”, like some kind of  pharma-psychic phenomena.  If you were too sick (or lazy), they’d deliver the meds right to your front door for one dollar.  ONE DOLLAR!

The pharmacist was so familiar with me that he snatched a box of antihistamine away from me last spring because he knew that if I’d taken them, my blood pressure would have dropped, followed by ME dropping….all due to an interaction with the meds I was currently taking.

You don’t find that type of customer service anymore.  Shoot…some of these Big Pharma places would’ve probably snickered while ringing up my antihistamine….talking about, “Oh, THIS should be fun to watch!”

So when we were told our pharmacy had closed, my 5 year old daughter began to cry…”Where am I gonna get my little Coca-Cola’s at now?!”    Which made the pharmacist start to cry.  Which made my anxiety level raise to an unacceptable level.  I’m sad to say that my daughter won’t grow up knowing places like this.  It makes me realize that I should’ve appreciated those small-town stores while I had the chance.  Now I’m forced to shop in stores the size of Libya, where the cashiers are rude and customer service is non-existent.

It’s all quite sad, really.  Here are some throw-back vintage pharmacy ads that will make you want to rub some bourbon on your cranky baby’s gums and upper lip.

 

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Love Losers

Aren’t you just OVER the whole roses and chocolate stuff?  That’s what I love about Husband.  He buys me expensive clothes and office supplies on this blessed and totally unnecessary day of love and reckoning.  It’s kind of like a jacked up, low-grade Christmas around here.  Stupid Cupid leaves candy and gifts.  It’s all quite enchanting really.

But some of you out there…no matter how hard you try…you just can’t get it right.  You buy your Olive Oil looking wife clothes from the fat store.  Cubic Zirconia.  Walmart chocolates.  Lip balm.  Satin granny panties. Don’t get me wrong…there’s nothing wrong with ANY of that.  But alot of wenches out there want diamonds, top shelf perfume and liquor.

So for all you losers in love…this one’s for you:

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Looking For Love In All the Wrong Places

I know there are some of ya’ll out there right this very second, prowling around…trying to find yourself some lovin’ by Monday morning.  And that’s fine…I ain’t mad atcha.  But for all things holy, don’t go anywhere near what you’re about to see here.  Unless you’re a freaky weasel. But let me be the voice of reason.  Come Tuesday, you’ll be stuck with a human hemorrhoid that cannot be removed with the salve.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Random Ignorance

Okay, I have a good excuse for not writing.  We got a new lab puppy and I’ve been armpit-deep in misbehaving and shenanigans.  If she wasn’t so cute, I’d feed her pickled pig’s feet and put Tobasco sauce on her bottom lip.  See?  Cute, eh?

Anyway…I have put together a slide-slow of stupidity. Don’t try to figure it out.  It won’t make sense and you’ll feel inferior.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Epic Food Fails

I broke down and tried the McOatmeal yesterday (served all day!).  You know how those snooty wine tasters swish the wine around in their mouth, stare intensely at the ceiling, come to a conclusion then spit the stuff back out in a bucket?  You know what I’m talking about?  Yeah, it was kinda like that.  I even tried to fix the stuff with a cup of brown sugar…to no avail.  So I give the new McDonald’s Oatmeal a big BOOOO.

Perhaps it will join Pepsi Clear and Orbitz in the Food Fail Hall of Fame.  Here are some of those particular edibles you’ve no doubt blocked from your memory due to their disturbing nature.  Wait for it.  Waaaiiit for it…..

Orbitz (1997):

Long before Orbitz traveled, it was a non-carbonated fruit flavored drink that had small edible balls floating in it.  That’s right.  You heard me.  Small.  Edible.  Balls.  Like some jacked up strain of caviar that came from a fish who lived in the sewers of Detroit and talked with a lisp.  I never drank the stuff myself, but I did date a guy who had an unopened bottle of the stuff sitting on his book shelf.  I pretty much dumped him after seeing that.

Crystal Pepsi (1992-1993):

okay, I’ll admit I actually liked this stuff.  There wasn’t even a difference in taste.  They just didn’t put the brown food coloring in.  I’m not quite sure what people were expecting, really.  Maybe tiny little citrus fairies flying up your nose?    Whatever.  The masses saw right through this one.  (Go ahead.  Laugh.  I’m clever.)

Enormous Omelet Sandwich (2005):

Burger King is responsible for this monstrosity of consumer irresponsibility.  It weighs in at  730 calories, 47 grams of fat, 415 milligrams of cholesterol, and 1,860 milligrams of sodium.   I’m sure it didn’t become a permanent menu item due to the outlandish expense of keeping a team of cardiologists on staff to assist those fools who got out of bed and decided that today would be a good day to die.

Taco Bell’s Frito Burrito & Bowl (Unsure of dates):

A.K.A. Toenail Taco & Bowl.  ‘Nuff said.

Wendy’s Super Bar (1980-1990):

Now I remember the Super Bar.  I liked to take that garlic bread that they made from discarded bun tops and pour cheddar cheese sauce all over it, then top the whole thing off with gummy bacon hunks.  This was the layout:  You had the salad bar (obvious), the Mexican bar (tacos, burritos, etc.), and the Italian bar (pizza, garlic bread, etc.).  Apparently the upkeep of such indulgence got too expensive.

Burger King’s Dinner (1993):

I reckon if The King was pointing at me, giving me the hoodoo-voodoo eyes, I might would sit down and pretend to have dinner at the Burger Dump…because truth be told…he owns me.  Maybe that’s why it didn’t last.  They didn’t have that creepy King back then to make the married women hot, the husbands stark raving jealous and put fear in the hearts and bowels of all children under the age of 14. 

Essentially, “dinner” started after 4 p.m., you’d place your order at the counter, find a place to sit and munch complimentary stale popcorn whilst waiting for an employee to bring your dinner basket.  All they did was substitute the bag for the basket.  And the whole employee with an apron on thing?  Let me just say this….you can take a hoe to church….

McDonald’s Arch Deluxe (1990′s):

Here’s what Wikipedia says:

In response to the demographic trend of longer lifespans and an expanding older market, and to its child-centered image, McDonald’s made a conscious decision to attempt to market its food to a more adult audience.

Really?  So what…you wanted to kill off the grown folk too?  The children weren’t enough?  You had to take the parents and turn them into McAddicts?  For shame, Ronald….for shame.

*********************************************************************

I’d love to share more Food Fails, but my kid is running around in monkey underpants talking about Home Depot and mustard pancakes.  I might want to check on that.

A Man With a Cart of Meat

I’m confused.  No seriously.  CONFRUSED.  There’s a local grocery store that has “special” sales on Wednesday.  Ridiculously cheap meats, milk and cheeses.  A couple of years ago I came real close to knocking an elderly woman OWT for the last package of ground beef.  It was like stupid cheap.  Like maybe it wasn’t really ground “beef”.  Perhaps ground goat.  Who cares.  It was cheap and it was Meatloaf Wednesday.

ON A SIDE NOTE: When it’s Meatloaf Wednesday, this is how I serve the meal.  I’m not joshin’.  Seriously.  I took this picture of it.  Yummy, eh?

So today I’m primed and ready to go.  Ground goat AND 99 cent pork chops.  And slab bacon.  We like bacon.  I’d just loaded up my cart when I heard what sounded like mob chaos.  Naturally, if there’s chaos in the grocery store, I’m interested.  There was this group of people…some elderly, some middle aged…all clustered around a grocery cart that was being monitored by some dude in a hat.  I didn’t see an employee badge.  I heard questions being shouted out like it was a farm auction or something.  I was on my tippy toes trying to see what the hub-bub was all about.  I caught a brief glimpse.  It looked like a cart of meat to me.  Not fresh meat.  Weird meat.  Packaged meat.  There was some other stuff in there, but mostly meat.

Finally the man got sick of the questions and in a booming voice informed the mob:  ”People, I don’t know the prices!  I’m just the meat man!”

Hm.  I backed up and went to see about some freezer bags.  It only took me about 20 seconds.  I wanted to hurry back to the meat mayhem.  But there was nothing.  As if the meat man and his cart of fun had never been there.  All the people were gone too.  Like vapor.

It’s nagged at me all day, this meaty confusion.  I took a melatonin to help me sleep tonight…mainly to fight off any impending meat dreams.  I don’t really know how to wrap up this post.  How ’bout moving meat?  Hm?  How ’bout it?

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

New Year, New Underpants

I’m just playin’.  I buy underpants more than once a year.  I hate it…but I do it.

So.  2010.  For the first half of the year, I was convinced I was riddled with cancer and tumors.  Turns out I was just having a nasty reaction to a colon cleansing performed at the beginning of the year.  I believe the technical term is “healing crisis”.  Whatever they call it…it didn’t feel none too good.

I stopped making resolutions a few years ago.  Don’t get me wrong…I set goals and everything.  I just don’t write them down with a little empty box beside them for checking-off purposes.  So I’m not going to list a bunch of stuff I hope to accomplish in the upcoming year.  Because next year around this time, I’d look at that list and realize I’m not Superman with super-human strength and powers.  Then I’d get depressed and have to bump up my meds.  So no list.

I wasn’t sure about what to write for my final post of the year.  I thought about expounding and pontificating…but figured I’d lose half my subscriptions if I did that.  So.  I decided to give a one sentence description for each month of the year along with one pic.

In all seriousness, my highlight of the year was being named the finalist for AstraZeneca’s National Essay Contest.  My work will be published in several publications and other media outlets, so that makes me a hair nervous….but it’s for a good cause!  Another cool thing was winning two awards for my photography and having an essay published in Louise Hay’s book, “Modern Day Miracles”.

Other than that, here’s what went down.  Happy New Year to you, yours and them!

JANUARY:

We took Cali to her first ever moving picture show about rats who sing and dance which made Mommy and Daddy mad because of how much they had to fork out for lobby-loot, popcorn and soda.

FEBRUARY:

Went to see the Princess Diana exhibit in Atlanta and I spilled B12 vitamin liquid all up in my new handbag and all over my new camera that was taken into the show illegally for to photograph Di’s wedding gown.

MARCH:

Posed and took pictures of my kid’s stuffed animals talking jive ‘n smack.

APRIL:

My daughter picked her nose all month long, including Easter.

MAY:

Got my kid and her BFF all hooched out for their very first ballet recital.

JUNE:

Forced my kid to put on blue eye-shadow and do Mick Jagger impersonations.

JULY:

Took a much needed vacation where we were rudely awakened by screaming and pounding because  our neighbors locked their baby inside after going out onto the deck for some hanky-panky.

AUGUST:

Cali took her twinkled-toed self back to school and Mommy had a cocktail.

SEPTEMBER:

Cali turns 5 and has a ridiculous joint birthday party with her BFF and a horse. (Click on ‘Horse’ to see pics.)

HORSE

OCTOBER:

Went to Disney’s Princess’s On Ice and saw Cinderella all hopped up on Red Bull and Vicodin so she could stand in the same place for 4 hours straight, smiling and waving, smiling and waving, smiling…..and waving.

NOVEMBER:

Got Cali a demonic dog that lived with us less than 30 minutes but long enough to document his goings-on.  (See video below.)

PONCHO

DECEMBER:

I caved and bought my kid an American Girl (Made in China) doll and went on food stamps all in the same week.