Toddler of Mass Destruction

I’m about to go covert.  I’m sick and tired of my kid getting into the candy jar all the time.  Okay, maybe I shouldn’t leave them sitting out on the counter.  But she should be developing some self-control!  Good choices!  I got these cute little apothecary jars and I can’t even set them out because she’s like a New York City wharf rat getting into everything.

SO.  Here’s my plan.  Keep it on the down-low.  I’m fixing to put fake stuff in the jars.  Beautiful heart-shaped sugar cookies with pink icing and sprinkles.  Oh so yum yum.  NO.  WRONG.  Salt dough “cookies” painted to look like the real thing.  If she breaks a tooth, then she’ll have a little reminder of what greed can do to a child.  And the candy?  Rocks wrapped in brightly colored cellophane.  I’ll put some wheat germ in one of them…some oats or something.

I already cut off the Hawaiian Punch.  We’ll probably have to hospitalize her for dehydration because she’s boycotting the apple juice and Juicy Juice.  She hates milk, so I have to put Vitamin D3 drops in her drink while she’s not looking.  Every time I do it, I feel like a criminal.  But then I tell myself…”It’s for her own good!!”

That’s the difference between my Mother and I.  She’d force me against my will to TAKE THE SHAKLEE VITA-LEE!  Me?  I totally hoodwink my kid.  Sneaky-long is what they call me.  When she’s grown she can make her own dietary decisions.  Even then, I’ll be like a hawk…watching…undetected…waiting for her to bust open a bag of powdered doughnuts.  Then I’ll swoop in, smack her in the forehead and say, “Think, you idiot!  Think!”

No, I really wouldn’t smack my kid in the forehead.  It’s a “No Hit” zone around here.  We just wish Cali would follow the rules.  It can’t be that hard.  Stop peeling all the paint off the woodwork and quit coloring all over your bunk-bed, walls and sheets.  It’s a good thing I take a multi-vitamin every day.  Otherwise I’d be drinking Vodka after dropping her off at school.  Kidding!

Oh no, wait!  You thought I was done, right?  Almost.  I just want to share one of the most ignorant tips from a “professional” child psychologist regarding a child who won’t listen.  This is ignorant people.  But part of me wants to try it….just to see….

“When there is a disagreement, the parent must resist getting sucked in to getting angry or taking too much responsibility. Create cards with a picture of a vacuum cleaner; the parent has the child hand her one every time she gets “sucked in” to the child’s entrapment. Note that a number of these techniques are designed to break tensions and give everyone a chance to regain self-control to work out a solution. For example, play “freeze” (nobody moves) or “snail” (everybody moves and talks ver-r-y slowly) whenever the situation is starting to overheat. For problem solving, try a pad with a picture of a brain with a large padlock around it – the “Brain Lock” pad. When there’s a disagreement, call for the pad and everyone sits down and tries to make a list of alternative solutions until you find one that both parties can agree to. It forces learning effective conflict-resolution skills but introduces a visual component instead of just words.”

Really?  All that?  What happened to “Shut up, because I said so?”  It worked for our parents.  That’s progress for ya.  Making parenting more difficult…one stupid tip at a time.


One Response

  1. What goes around, comes around! Precious memories! Luv ya, dear one!

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