Balloon Boy: Among Us (Article moved from

(Original article dated October 16, 2009 –

Can you imagine living next door to the Heene family?  Oh, there’d be a 15 foot hedge around the perimeter of my property, you can be sure of it.  Now, my sources happen to be crack heads who drink heavily, but they give me good scoop on this sort of stuff on an inconsistent basis and I have no doubt that one of them was skulking around in the Heene’s crawlspace and overheard the family hashing out a plan that would ensure they stay in the public eye.

All of this jive talk went on between Richard (the Narcissistic Storm Chaser), Mayumi (the Spouse Swapper) and Falcon (the Boy Who Wished He Could Fly).

Richard: May, Fal…get your butts down here now!  My giant brain has produced an idea so profound that we must act on it immediately.

Mayumi:  You’re an idiot, Richard.

Richard: Okay.  Where’s Falcon?

*Mayumi shrugs with indifference.

Richard: FALCON!!  Get down here NOW!  Or no more Fritos!

*Falcon scurries out from underneath the kitchen table..where he sleeps.*

Richard: Okay.  Here’s the deal.  Everything is slowing down.  The economy, May’s sex drive and our public exposure.  We can’t bleed into obscurity here.  Okay?  This family wasn’t made for obscurity.

Mayumi: I don’t appreciate your comment about my fluctuating hormones, Dick.  You know I can’t help it.

Richard: Shuddup May.

Falcon: Why can’t I have no Fritos?

* Richard rolls his eyes at the obvious ignorance of his family.  He changes strategy and begins to talk slower and louder.*

Richard: Falcon, son.  Your name is no accident.  You were born to fly.

*Falcon stands up a little straighter.*

Richard:  When you were 6 months old, your mother and I tried to throw you up into the eye of a tornado…you know, where the gentle calm was….but your MOTHER chickened out at the last minute and hid you back behind the shed.

Falcon: Woooow.

Richard: We’re not quitters are we, son?

Falcon: No sir!

Richard:  You wanna fly, boy?  Huh?  Do ya?

Falcon:  Oh yeah, Daddy!  I wanna fly high up in the air!

Richard:  Where else would you fly, Falcon?  Sharpen up.

Mayumi:  I love you, Falkie.

*Mayumi messes us Falcon’s already messed up hair.*

Richard:  Shuddup May.  Now this is how it’s going down.  You know that balloon we’ve all been working on?  The one that will take us to see Jesus when milk goes over $6 a gallon?

*Mayumi and Falcon nod in unison.*

Richard:  Falcon, you’re gonna sneak up in there and me and your mom are gonna pretend we saw nothing, okay?

Falcon:  So I’m just going to pretend to fly up in it?

Richard:  Personally, I wanted you to stay in the balloon and ride the thing out, but your MOTHER here threatened to stop bathing and loving me long time…so…you won’t be flying, son.  Once again, your MOTHER stomps another dream.

Mayumi:  I love you, Falkie.  I don’t want anything bad to happen.

Falcon:  But Ma….you made those boys on ‘Wife Swap’ ride down a 50 foot incline on their bikes!  And you laughed about it!

Mayumi Hun, that was for the show.

Falcon:  Oh.

Richard:  You two done?  Okay.  When I give the word, Falcon you go and start messin’ around the balloon.  Then I’ll come out and start hollerin’ at you about being a simpleton and you’ll start crying like a baby and go hide in a box in the attic.  Then we’ll send the thing up and pretend you’re stuck in it.  Cry…call the networks, start screaming your name and how we can’t go on living if our family is disected like a fomaldehyde bloated toad.

Falcon:  That’s it?  I get yelled at and have to go hide in a box?!  There’s not even ventilation up there!

Richard That’s it, boy. You’re taking one for the team.

Mayumi:  What about me?  What’s my job?

Richard:  Shuddup, May.  You ready, son?

Falcon:  Ready.

Richard:  Let’s do this thing.

NOTE:  All of this is a big fat lie created solely for your amusement…and mine.  Mostly mine.


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