Ten Signs of Feline Depression

1)  Your cat lays listlessly between the washer and dryer, not giving a crap whether his food bowl is half empty, half full, knocked over, kicked down the hall or raided by aggressive, famished raccoons and the occasional possum.  It’s apathy.  They just don’t care.

2)  Your cat lays in the hallway, rolling around on her back, caterwalling about how pregnancy screwed up her entire life  and that the myth of “No Mood Change After Being Fixed” is a crock.  This is a sure sign that your feline is permanently stuck in post-partum depression.

3)  You realize your favorite Sharpie marker is missing.  Later that same day, you see your cat holding the pen between its two front paws, stabbing itself repeatedly in the right eye.

4)  When your cat’s adult children stop by, they are greeted with a smack in the face and raucous hissing.  This is your cat’s way of letting their life-wrecking offspring know that they are no longer welcome within a ten-mile radius of your home.

5)  Your cat stops grooming their back-side and makes a point of sitting in the lap of anyone visiting your home.  This type of sneaky aggression should not be tolerated.

6)  Your cat aggressively chews holes in your underpants while you’re showering, completely unaware of your feline’s most recent and abrupt mood swing.

7)  Your cat purrs and licks your hand.  Then bites it.  Then licks it again.  Then bites it.  Then licks it again….this is Passive-Aggressive at its finest.  It should be handled firmly and promptly.

8)  Your cat stops kicking litter over his doo-doo…causing your entire house to smell like a toxic waste dump on a hot June afternoon in the deep south.  This telltale sign immediately warrants a doctor’s call and request for tranquilizers and anti-depressants.

9)  Your cat goes missing.  After a nine-day search involving bait and promises of liver and kibble, you find him hunkered down in the basement heater vent, sobbing about how no one loves him and maybe….just maybe…he’ll start eating worms.

10)  Your cat becomes a narcoleptic who is never awake, going potty all over himself and refusing to eat.  You have one of two options here.  Humane Society…or lobotomy.

These aren’t my thoughts.  My cat is walking across my keyboard.


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