Ex-Spouse in the House!

You know the economy is in the toilet bowl when ex-spouses have to continue living together because of finances…or rather lack thereof.  In my mind, I see this:

Two cats all hopped up on cat nip duct taped into a shoe box.

What, do they make a schedule or something?  The man is only allotted 5 minutes in the kitchen and 10 minutes in the bathroom for every 24 hour period.  This is because the mere sight of him is traumatizing for the woman.  Her house, her rules.  Are we expected to believe there’s some type of mutual respect and equality that allows this arrangement to run so smoothly?  Really?  I think after a month or two, sabotage would rear its ugly head.  I’m not talking your typical college pranks…..saran wrap under the toilet seat…short-sheeting a bed.  No no.  I’m talking hard core stuff here, people.  HARD core.

For instance:

*  Put a handful of bb’s in the wheel well of their car.  Then sit back and see how long it takes for them to ask you for help.

*  Screw around with the thermostat and feign innocence.

*  Chances are you’ll have separate bathrooms.  Put gelatin down their potty.  In a few days, everything will become solid.

*  Purchase several alarm clocks and set them at random times throughout the night.  The effect you want is “Apocalypse”.

*  Take a hole punch to their umbrella.

*  Walk around singing the Batman theme incessantly.

*  Find their checkbook and write “for sensual massage” in the memo section.

*  Speak only in a robot voice.

*  Reply to everything they say with, “Yeah, that’s what YOU think.”

*  Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your “astronaut training.”

*  Declare your house an independent nation, and sue your ex for “violating your airspace”.

*  Practice making fax and modem noises.

*  Make beeping noises every time your ex backs up.

*  Follow a few paces behind your ex and spray everything they touch with Lysol.

*  Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard.  When your ex asks “What the heck?!” (and they will)…you tell them you’re a Spider Person.

*  Finish all your sentences with “in accordance with the prophecy”.

*  Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

*  Adjust the TV tint until all the people are green.

*  Drum on every available surface.

*  Wear your pants backwards.  This will frighten your ex.

*  Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

*  Walk through the house at night, repeating the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, its gone now.”

*  Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One”.

*  Stand over your ex’s shoulder and mumble as they read.

*  Inform your ex that they only exist in your imagination.

*  As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

*  Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing your ex that you don’t want to fall off  “in case the big one comes”.

*  Lie obviously about trivial things like the time of day.

*  Sit in your front yard in a lawn chair with a blow dryer pointed at cars like a speed gun.

*  Go buy the cheapest perfume/cologne you can find.  Like at the Dollar Tree.  Then bathe in it.

*  Wear odd shoes.

*  Speak so quietly that your ex will constantly have to say, “What?  I can’t hear you.”

*  Bark like a dog every time your ex says the word “the”.

Now.  One of two things will happen here.

#1 – Someone will die.

#2 – Your ex will become so annoyed that they’ll cave in, give you their half of everything and run off screaming into the hills somewhere.  This is what you want to happen.  This is when you know the job was well done.

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2 Responses

  1. LOL!!!! My aunt has always told my uncle that he’s breathing her air and they still live together.

  2. This is the funniest online list I’ve read in forever.
    Love it.

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