Randy and Evi Quaid: Canadian Wannabes

It would appear that Randy Quaid’s role of “Cousin Eddie” has rendered him afflicted.  I always thought he seemed a bit too comfortable with that role anyway.  He and his wife, Evi, have hightailed it to Canada to seek asylum.  In Canada.  Because they’d blend in there, right?  Because no one would ask questions when they skulked across the border, right?  Because people wouldn’t smell the meth fumes, right?

And who are they seeking asylum FROM, you ask?  Well.  The dreaded “Murderers of Hollywood”, doncha know!  They’re apparently the white trash version of Bonnie & Clyde.  Only they don’t maim and murder. They squat and vandalize.  That didn’t sound right.  Let me explain.

Crime #1:  Randy and Evi fail to show up at court stemming from their arrests last month on suspicions that they were squatting in a house somewhere in Montecito, California.

Crime #2: Using an invalid credit card to pay a $10,000 bill at the San Ysidro Ranch — less than a mile from the home in which they are accused of squatting.

Crime #3: Evi got busted for defrauding an innkeeper, was fined $10,500 restitution and received 240 hours of community service. She was also told to stay away from two Montecito hotels.

Crime #4: Frequent no-shows to court.

It seems that their most recent bout with paranoia stems from Randy’s friends-in-low-places mysteriously kicking the bucket of chicken.

“We feel our lives are in danger,” Evi said. “Randy has known eight close friends murdered in odd, strange manners … We feel that we’re next.”

Yes.  And there are spying devices implanted into random cans of Spaghettios WITH meatballs.  Not the ravioli.  But the round ones.  With the meat.

The Quaids’ lawyer, Brian Tsuji, approached the media to read a single-sentence statement from the Quaids. “We are requesting asylum from Hollywood star whackers,” he read, declining further comment on the mental state of his clients.

No need for comments, sir.  Your clients speak loud and clear for their crack-pot, crazy-as-a-loon selves.  (I personally dig the fact that Evi is always smiling like a simpleton in her mug shots.  That says a lot about a person.)


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