I Resolve to Resolve the Resolved

Let me guess.  This year you’re going to quit smoking, lose weight, drink more water, be a better parent, go to church more and get out of debt, right?  Don’t get me wrong.  You are to be commended for your high ideals and resolve.  I just refuse to set myself up for complete and total failure.  Not to mention I’m not a big fan of cliche resolutions.  So, I’ve come up with a few of my own that are practical and relevant for me personally:

1)  I will try to cut back on the lies I tell my kid on a daily basis.  Such as, swallowed fingernails give you rickets.  You’ll break your neck and be dead in the dirt if you jump off that top bunk.  Things like that.

2)  I will try to abstain from using shock & awe tactics to keep my kid away from the ironing board.  Such as, showing her pictures of burnt people on the internet and emphatically pointing out, “This could be EWE!”

3)  I will find subtle ways to plumb the depths of my kid’s psyche to figure out why in hades she finds it necessary to roll the bathroom rugs into balls while she’s using the toilet.

4)  I accept and acknowledge the fact that I may have to pay someone to take my child and teach her how to flush the toilet after each usage.

5)  I will stop caring about why my cat enjoys sitting in the bathtub.

6)  I will try to go outside more so my kid’s friends will stop asking me if I’m a vampire.

7)  I will stop making idle threats to my kid about what will happen if she doesn’t take her cough medicine.  Such as, you’ll have to go the hospital where they’ll keep you for several days like Curious George and give you your medicine in a 5″ needle with no band aids or Tylenol chasers.

8)  I will try to find something I like about this wretched hole-of-a-town I live in….though, that’ll be difficult considering its nickname is “Murder Capital of the World”.

9)  I plan to write a formal letter to the boss of the library, informing them that as a hard-core patron, I feel it’s my duty and moral obligation to say that if they don’t get that corn-chip foot smellin’ odor up out that library once and for all….I’m fixing to get rowdy.  And you don’t want this rowdy up in your library.

10)  I will stop “accidentally” watching Spongebob stories and eating shredded wheat while my kid is away at school.

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One Response

  1. You could move to Wichita; it is just the murder capital of KS.

    Happy New Year.

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