Why Napster Can Kiss My Keister

I got a new iPod for Christmas…which was long overdue.  My old one was like those cell phones in a suitcase.  Big ‘n chunky and on my last nerve.  Up to this point, I’ve used Napster for all my music binging needs.  Thankfully iPod had the good sense to make their devices incompatible with Napster.  Kinda like taking the keys away from a sloppy drunk.

In hindsight, I can see that my criteria for choosing Napster was liken to my criteria for choosing my first husband.  I went to Jesus School and didn’t know no better.  So now I feel I must direct those wayward souls out there stumbling around in the dark, trying to find the most cost-effective way to listen to their favorite music without winding up in jail for copyright infringement.

1)  Don’t let that candy-coated “Free Trial” offer fool ya.  It’s their way of getting you into the gas-chamber without  physical violence.

2)  When “Free Trial” is over, their customer service folks are nowhere to be found.  Sort of like those moles on that Whack-a-Mole game at Chuck E. Cheese.  You know they’re there…you can see them…but you just can’t get hold of them.

3)  If you wish to cancel your account, you’re directed to call a 1-800 number and asked to follow the prompts.  Prompts that break you down emotionally and cause you to hang up just before reaching the cancellation department.  This is deliberate.

4)  When you get your credit card statement and find whack charges from Napster on there, don’t even bother calling to complain.  Even if you somehow by the grace of God get through to a customer service agent, the conversation will probably go something like this:

YOU: Why you charging me these bogus charges?!  I didn’t authorize this!

THEM: Whatever, man.  I’m fixin’ to hang up on you and change my number.

5)  And buying their songs?  Well…THAT experience is like buying a frying pan at Walmart and trying to walk out the door, only to be stopped by the security/greeter person.

WALMART GREETER:  Uh, excuse me?  You can’t leave with that frying pan.

YOU:  What?!  But I bought it!  Here’s the receipt!

WALMART GREETER:  I don’t care what you got.  I don’t even care if Baruck Mubama signed your receipt.  You can’t leave this here store with that pan.

YOU:  Oh?  Oh?  Yeah?  Well, watch me now.  You see me walking?  Yeah?  You see me walking out this door…ooop….here I go!

WALMART GREETER: Okay then…walk on.  But we got your credit card number fool.

6)  If you don’t hook up and sync your device with Napster at least once a week, they act like a disgruntled girlfriend and stop putting out.  Then they’ll leave you a snotty little message that pops up on your device saying something like, “You ain’t got no license to play NOTHING”.

7)  When and if you are able to finally cancel your account…they’ll act like the jilted lover and take all their stuff back.  Meanwhile you’re left with nothing but an inflated credit card bill and no music to make you feel better.

8.  That creepy little fox icon mascot thing of theirs can’t be trusted.

9)  Downloading their software is liken to turning Charmin toilet paper into bricks of gold.

….and the final reason why Napster can kiss my keister….

10)  The word “Napster” sounds like “Hamster” and I was traumatized as a child by a hamster named Bob who chewed off his own leg and hissed at people through two broken rotten out teeth.


One Response

  1. this is a great post, but yeah napster sounds evil

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