Violent Monkey Apprehended

So I heard on the news this morning that some crazy monkey in South Florida busted up in a house, bit a man’s ear practically OFF, then ran up to the roof to shout his messages of hate and mayhem.

The Miami-Dade Venom Unit and animal control were able to coax the monkey off of the roof with bananas.  Brilliant.

Many of my new readers won’t remember my post from March of 2010 about another rogue monkey down in Florida.  I’m going to re-post it here…because these stories could possibly be related.  Hey!  Maybe the monkeys are related!  You be the judge.

Look at that trashy monkey.  All hanging off someone’s tree and shaking a fist.  Apparently, he’s been running amok in the Tampa Bay area for almost a year.  A year!!  Running around, evading the monkey-police, wreaking havoc and stealing thangs.  Cuz a monkey will rob you at paw-point and not think twice about the fact that you may be hiding a ball-bat behind your back, just waiting for the opportunity to whack-a-monkey.  They don’t care.

Over the course of the last year, the monkey was ALMOST captured a few times.  He’s been shot full of tranquilizers so much that one of the “shooters” says the monkey is liken to a crackhead…the tranquilizers don’t even faze him.  MAN, I wish I could’ve seen that.  A monkey with his butt full of darts, shaking his fist and laughing, “Mwahahaha…ignoramus.  I’m off to pillage, plunder and scare your wife and kids.”

Turns out, the monkey has a fan-base.  Oh yeah.  A whole group of nuts cheering him on…run monkey run!  But Wildlife trapper, Vernon Yates, has been hot on the monkey trail since the first sighting.  Vernon is hardcore.  He probably wears camouflage and face-paint, belly-crawling through the streets.  He’s chased the monkey through three counties, following the complaint calls.

“Monkey’s up here rootin’ in my trash cans.  Help!”

“Officer, I just saw a monkey scurrying over the wall behind my apartment building.  What’d he look like?  A monkey!  That’s what!  All big and hairy..and he shook his fist at us.  Enough with this idle chit-chat.  Help ME!”

“Uh, yes…I’d like to report a squatting monkey.  No…not peeing.  Squatting.  As in hanging out in a foreclosed house.  Yes, I’m being serious!  My idiot neighbors got booted out about a year ago and this monkey took over after the bank came and locked the doors.  He hangs out by the pool, mostly.  I don’t mind a monkey next door…but I do mind his fist-shaking and screaming.  Now, please sir…Help!”

“He is an extremely intelligent monkey,” Yates said. “He is very, very street-wise. He knows to check traffic. He knows to look both ways so he doesn’t get hit by cars. He knows to stay out of power lines.”

A smarty- pants….ya don’t say.  On Sunday, good-natured St. Petersburg resident Renee Barth glanced out her window…yeah…guess what she saw.  A monkey.  Swinging in the trees around her pool.  Being a gal with a swell sense of humor, she grabbed her camera and captured the above photo.  Five seconds later, the monkey fell into her pool.

The monkey then jumped out of the pool, no doubt shaking his fist…and took off with a grapefruit.  Location still unknown.

Run, monkey……run.

“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics, a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.” ~Mark Twain


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