Epic Food Fails

I broke down and tried the McOatmeal yesterday (served all day!).  You know how those snooty wine tasters swish the wine around in their mouth, stare intensely at the ceiling, come to a conclusion then spit the stuff back out in a bucket?  You know what I’m talking about?  Yeah, it was kinda like that.  I even tried to fix the stuff with a cup of brown sugar…to no avail.  So I give the new McDonald’s Oatmeal a big BOOOO.

Perhaps it will join Pepsi Clear and Orbitz in the Food Fail Hall of Fame.  Here are some of those particular edibles you’ve no doubt blocked from your memory due to their disturbing nature.  Wait for it.  Waaaiiit for it…..

Orbitz (1997):

Long before Orbitz traveled, it was a non-carbonated fruit flavored drink that had small edible balls floating in it.  That’s right.  You heard me.  Small.  Edible.  Balls.  Like some jacked up strain of caviar that came from a fish who lived in the sewers of Detroit and talked with a lisp.  I never drank the stuff myself, but I did date a guy who had an unopened bottle of the stuff sitting on his book shelf.  I pretty much dumped him after seeing that.

Crystal Pepsi (1992-1993):

okay, I’ll admit I actually liked this stuff.  There wasn’t even a difference in taste.  They just didn’t put the brown food coloring in.  I’m not quite sure what people were expecting, really.  Maybe tiny little citrus fairies flying up your nose?    Whatever.  The masses saw right through this one.  (Go ahead.  Laugh.  I’m clever.)

Enormous Omelet Sandwich (2005):

Burger King is responsible for this monstrosity of consumer irresponsibility.  It weighs in at  730 calories, 47 grams of fat, 415 milligrams of cholesterol, and 1,860 milligrams of sodium.   I’m sure it didn’t become a permanent menu item due to the outlandish expense of keeping a team of cardiologists on staff to assist those fools who got out of bed and decided that today would be a good day to die.

Taco Bell’s Frito Burrito & Bowl (Unsure of dates):

A.K.A. Toenail Taco & Bowl.  ‘Nuff said.

Wendy’s Super Bar (1980-1990):

Now I remember the Super Bar.  I liked to take that garlic bread that they made from discarded bun tops and pour cheddar cheese sauce all over it, then top the whole thing off with gummy bacon hunks.  This was the layout:  You had the salad bar (obvious), the Mexican bar (tacos, burritos, etc.), and the Italian bar (pizza, garlic bread, etc.).  Apparently the upkeep of such indulgence got too expensive.

Burger King’s Dinner (1993):

I reckon if The King was pointing at me, giving me the hoodoo-voodoo eyes, I might would sit down and pretend to have dinner at the Burger Dump…because truth be told…he owns me.  Maybe that’s why it didn’t last.  They didn’t have that creepy King back then to make the married women hot, the husbands stark raving jealous and put fear in the hearts and bowels of all children under the age of 14. 

Essentially, “dinner” started after 4 p.m., you’d place your order at the counter, find a place to sit and munch complimentary stale popcorn whilst waiting for an employee to bring your dinner basket.  All they did was substitute the bag for the basket.  And the whole employee with an apron on thing?  Let me just say this….you can take a hoe to church….

McDonald’s Arch Deluxe (1990’s):

Here’s what Wikipedia says:

In response to the demographic trend of longer lifespans and an expanding older market, and to its child-centered image, McDonald’s made a conscious decision to attempt to market its food to a more adult audience.

Really?  So what…you wanted to kill off the grown folk too?  The children weren’t enough?  You had to take the parents and turn them into McAddicts?  For shame, Ronald….for shame.


I’d love to share more Food Fails, but my kid is running around in monkey underpants talking about Home Depot and mustard pancakes.  I might want to check on that.


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