iPhone: Your Eye in the Sky

Okay.  Those of you who have been trying to shove modern technology down my throat for the past couple of years….you feeling stupid about right now?  Hm?  What’d I tell you?  I said those hand-held talk boxes were nothing more than homing devices that caused cancer and webbed feet.  Remember?  And what did YOU say?  You said I was paranoid and needed to bump up my meds and get a grip.

iPhone is so super secret that they’ve named their secret spy-ware with a secret name.  No longer a secret.  “consolidated.db”.  Apparently it’s able to track you sitting on a toilet in a Chevron station on the East side, then give you pop up ads for guns and weed based on your location.  Now, this would be great if you’d agreed to it…signed a contract or something.  But quite frankly, this is just a computer geek’s modern way of peeking over the top of the potty stall.  Or under.  Either way…they’re peeking.  And no one digs a peeker.

Peekers can’t be trusted.  Ever.  Once a peeker, always a peeker.  So iPhone got caught.  That’s the only reason we know about this spy-nation stuff!  Lord only knows what else is on there that we don’t know about.  Probably a camera.  Hidden under the ‘Power’ button.  Right this very second, there’s a clatch of pasty white Apple mutants hunched over a computer screen, snorting and laughing at you trying to erase all your incriminating texts before your significant other asks to “borrow” your phone.

I dunno…maybe this is all Bill O’Reilly’s whack scheme to become the Republican party’s latest IT man.  It’s hard to tell.  All I know is this:  before I get in my car today, I’m sending my kid up under there with a bomb-spotting mirror to look for any unauthorized tracking devices.

It’s not like I’ve got anything MAJOR to hide.  I just don’t want people to know that I hang out at the library on Friday nights and occasionally park in Baptist church parking lots to gorge on Krispy Kreme doughnuts and listen to rock ‘n roll music.


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