The Rapture: Are Your Underpants Clean?

So have you heard?  On May 21, 2011 we’ll allegedly be smitten by Jesus or smoted.  I know “smoted” isn’t a word….but I think you know what I’m trying to say.  Smote.  As in kick your butt in a celestial way.  Unless you’re perfect and sin-free.  In that case, you’ll jet propel into the skies with Rapture Man leading the charge…bound for glory and all things holy.

Blasphemy you say?  Please.  I had a fundamentalist upbringing.  I’m allowed to have this conversation.  The Rapture was our parent’s weapon of mass destruction.

“If you don’t brush your teeth tonight, you can bet your boogers that you’ll be left behind and have to fix your own breakfast….if there’s even food for you to eat.”


“You sit in your room and think long and hard about what it’s going to feel like when they burn that mark of the beast into your forehead.”

Modern day parents have GPS tracking devices to keep track of their younguns.  Mine had, “Be sure your sins will find you out.”

“Hey April!  Let’s go sit in the Kmart parking lot and drink wine coolers!”

“I can’t.  My sins will find me out.”

And most of the time they did.  At the time I thought my parents had special powers.  Now I see that they were just exceptionally good guessers.

At any rate, I had my Rapture plan all figured out by the age of 8.  I was fairly certain I’d be left behind.  And I was more than certain that I’d take the Beastie Mark…because a kid has to eat.  And when the demons came on horseback….I planned to run into the safe and open arms of Canada.  A pretty good plan, eh?

I don’t even KNOW how many Rapture dates came and went.  Enough to make alot of people look stupid.  Rapture Man is the latest prophet of doom.  He says the Rapture will go down on Saturday and the planet will blow up on October 21st.  I like how they scheduled the Rapture on the weekend.  God forbid someone miss a day of work.

I tried to check out one of the Rapture websites, but it said the service was temporary unavailable.  Thought maybe the Rapture came and I missed it.  Rapture Man (Harold Camping) doesn’t have a good track record when it comes to prophet stuff.  He hollered that the Rapture was coming back in September of 1994.  You can see how that worked out.

I don’t know about you, but on Sunday (that’d be the 22nd)…I plan on visiting Rapture Man’s family radio show website so I can hear the sweet sounds of back-pedaling.  If for some freakish reason Rapture Man speaks the truth….my childhood plan is still in effect.  I got people in Canada.

By the way….am I the only one who sees the striking resemblance between Rapture Man and Mr. Burns?


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