Shifty-Eyed Evader or Unblinking Intimidator?

So where are YOU on a scale between shifty-eyed evader and unblinking intimidator?  I’d like to say I’m somewhere in between.  Pretty much right around the “Stink Eye” marker.  In my youth, I was told that my glare could melt stone…but I’ve mellowed out in my old age.  Now my glare only melts ice and I make actual eye contact with people.

Truth be told, the type of “eye” you give or get depends on the situation at hand.  For instance, if you let one rip during Wednesday night communion, then you will get a grab-bag of nasty looks.  If you believe you have magical powers and can re-arrange someone’s face from a distance, then chances are you’re an Unblinking Intimidator.   It’s easy to spot the Shifty-Eyed Evaders.  Just shine a flash-light in their face and ask them where they were on the night of May 12, 1985, at approximately 10:42 pm.

I will now share with you my top ten facial expressions that I use on a frequent basis.

1.  The Blank Stare

2.  The Petulant Pout

3.  The Grisly Grimace

4.  The Sho-Nuff Snobby

5.  The Snarky Snarl

6.  The Aggravated Because You Just Did Something Holy Stupid look

7.  The Nonchalant Side Glance

8.  The Irked & Irate Wide-Eyed Combo

9.  The Disgusted Snortle

10.  The Contempt Crusher…reserved for Mediacom and the Credit Bureau.

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Parental Irresponsibility

I love Katy Perry.  Seriously…I do.  Her tunes are bouncy, she’s beautiful in that classic sort of way and she can rock a night brace like none other.  But did you know she used to have blonde hair, a different last name and sing Jesus songs?  Talk about the cross-over of all cross-overs!

Anyway…if you have a small kid you know that out of 5 million words in a day, they’ll hone right in on the nasty inappropriate ones…repeating them loudly in church, school and grocery store check-out lines;  meanwhile, you’re left standing there trying to defend your pathetic lack of parental monitoring.  When this happens, I usually blame the public school system.

For Cali’s first three years of life, the only television channel she watched was Noggin (pre-commercials).  It was also during this time that she ate oatmeal and eggs…and never begged for stupid toys that squirt cookie dough and glow-in-the-dark paint.  I can’t really pin-point the exact time we exposed her to the other televised programming for children.  All I know is that after that, she started swilling Bubba Cola, walking like a hunchback, picking her nose and wearing peculiar things upon her head.  She also refused to eat roughage.  Truth be told, she became plumb ignorant.

(See pics below for verification)

So back to Katy Perry.  My kid is also a big fan because I have my iPod chuck full of her tunes.  We’ll have the sunroof open, cruising down Slappey Boulevard, singing about extraterrestrials and fireworks.  It was during one of these jaunts that my iPod’s battery died and we were left with nothing but talking space.  So she’s back there, slurping on a Slurpee, looking like a hillbilly when she asks:

“Mama.  What’s a menage a trois?”

A WHAT THE WHAT?!

“A menage a trois.  Katy Perry talked about that’s what she could have might have did last Friday night.”

*crickets*

And in my most brilliant parental save-a-scene to date, I replied:

“Chinese food.  It’s Chinese food.  She had Chinese food last Friday night.”

Katy…consider yourself censored.

Fortune Cookies: The Guilt Factor

My friends and I recently had a conversation about fortune cookies and their impact on our fragile emotions.  Some of us took the fortunes seriously.  Others laughed them off as hogwash and tomfoolery.  A few sank into a puddle of depression because their last four cookies were fortune-less.  It was then suggested that I should look into becoming a fortune writer for a fortune cookie company to supplement my income…apparently because I have the uncanny ability to build you up one minute, then tear you down the next.

Here’s my top 25.  It’s still a work in progress.

1) General Failure will read your hard disk soon.

2)  You will die alone and poorly dressed.

3)  Now is the time to make circles with mints.  Make haste!

4)  The end is near…and it’s all YOUR fault.

5)  Help!  I’m being held hostage in a Chinese bakery!

6)  Never tease an armed midget with a high five.

7)  The rubber bands are headed in your direction.

8)  People Google you and laugh.

9)  I stole your husband on Craig’s List.

10)  Hope you enjoyed the meow meow chicken.

11)  The monkeys see you.  They see everything.

12)  All of your hard work will never pay off.

13)  You are boring to talk to.

14)  You have the face of a near sighted rodeo clown.

15)  You will attend a party where strange customs prevail.

16)  Don’t be a cold fish.

17)  Yes.  Everyone is laughing AT you.

18)  The Chinese food you just ate actually came off the back of a truck from Jersey.

19)  You will eat many oysters but never get the pearl.

20)  Don’t fry bacon naked.

21)  Your colon will self destruct in 5..4..3..

22)  Forgive your enemies…but remember their name, address, phone number and drug use history.

23)  Going to church, teaching Sunday school and wearing skirts ‘n pantyhose doesn’t make you a christian.

24)  Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

25)  Stupid looks fabulous on you.

If I Had a Magic Wand: Thwap!

So the question was recently posed to me:  What would you do if you had a magic wand for one day?

Oh!  What would I do?!  The question is….what WOULDN’T I do?  I’d be bippity-boppity-boo-ing all over the place like a magic Mad Hatter and there’d be nothing you could do to stop me.  Because I’d be magic.  With a wand.  And you’d be defenseless and republican.

So I’ve composed a list outlining exactly what I’d do with a magic wand over the course of one day.  (Keep in mind that I’m magic…so travel is super fast and I can go anywhere with a snap of my magic fingers.)

Also, my wand would have sound effects.  So with every wave, you’d hear “Thwap Thwap”.

1)  You know those extreme coupon crazies who hold up the grocery lines so they can acquire 200 pounds of band-aids and toe nail clippers?  Thwap Thwap!

2)  I would Thwap my Ma and Pa in the head to erase all of the grief and woe I bestowed upon them in my youth.

3)  I would also Thwap my brother who I abused and tormented as if he were a pet….for to take away the mental anguish.

4)  I would Thwap my kid so maybe she wouldn’t talk so much and make my nerves get nervous.

5)  I would Thwap my chronically depressed cat nine times so she can go towards the light and be happy and at peace.

6)  All libraries would remain open for 24 hours…and there’d be coffee and pastries served up for free and you wouldn’t have to pay your fines to use the public computers.

7)  I’d Thwap Fox News and CNN into a boxing ring and start banging on a bell while yelling “Jesus or Obama?!  You tell me!”

8.  Casey Anthony would be Thwapped repeatedly and condemned to a lifetime of solitary confinement while being fed a diet of Ex-Lax and Tab cola.

9)  I’d Thwap my lips fuller.

10)  All ground beef would be free for the taking….without violence.

11)  I’d Thwap myself invisible and make pompous soccer moms fall down in public…like three times in a row…then start pouring malt liquor all over the place so people would shake their heads sadly and say, “Oh.  She’s gone to drankin’ again.”  They’d be Thwapped humble!

12)  Stretch marks…be Thwapped!  For everyone!

13)  I’d Thwap this country debt free and make the Chinese have to buy everything American made.

14)  My sharpie pens would never run out of ink.

15)  I’d Thwap gas station owners just because they own a gas station.  Guilty by association.

16)  I’d Thwap Brian Wilson for wearing that Spandex suit out in public.

17)  Lindsey Lohan?  Thwapped in the face.  Paris Hilton?  Thwapped in the knees.  Sarah Palin?  Thwapped everywhere.

18)  All fish would taste like chicken.

19)  I’d Thwap my mortgage Paid in Full.

20)  The ocean would be restored to its original condition…free from pollution and 3 eyed fish of unknown origin.

Useless Knowledge

Phobias, Bolsheviks and Vile Odors

I’ve got a couple of phobias.  Clowns (I will punch a clown OWT!), mimes (I will punch a mime OWT!) and heights.  I have different reactions for each phobia.  For instance, when I’m up too high, my butt cheeks have a seizure.  When I see a clown, I have to suppress violence….and when I see a mime, I want to shake it like a martini and force it to speak.  I particularly don’t like it when mimes and clowns get in your face and want to interract and make eye contact.  This only intensifies my phobic reactions.  So if I see one of them approaching, I point directly at them and cock my head to the side, as if to say, “You get any closer and I’ll beat the brakes off you AND the horse you rode in on.”

In my studies, I have found that there are some jacked up phobias out there.  I admit I’d like to hang out with some of these phobics just to see what their particular phobic reactions are.  Like Bolshephobia.  A fear of Bolsheviks.  Really?  A Bolshevik?  Don’t sit there and act like you wouldn’t want to wag a Bolshevik in front of their face just to see.  You know you’d do it.  I know I would.

So here are some of my phobic faves.  Don’t be skeered.

*  Autodysomophobia – Fear of one that has a vile odor.

*  Automatonophobia – Fear of ventriloquist’s dummies, animatronic creatures, wax statues; anything that falsely represents a sentient being.

*  Bromidrosiphobia or Bromidrophobia- Fear of body smells.

*  Defecaloesiophobia- Fear of painful bowels movements.

*  Helminthophobia- Fear of being infested with worms.

*  Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia- Fear of long words.

*  Koinoniphobia- Fear of rooms.  Awkward.

*  Lutraphobia- Fear of otters.

*  Metrophobia- Fear or hatred of poetry.

*  Omphalophobia- Fear of belly buttons.

*  Ophthalmophobia- Fear of being stared at.

*  Papaphobia- Fear of the Pope.

*  Peladophobia- Fear of bald people.

*  Pentheraphobia- Fear of mother-in-law. (Novercaphobia)

*  Polyphobia- Fear of many things.

*  Rhabdophobia- Fear of being severely punished or beaten by a rod, or of being severely criticized. Also fear of magic.(wand)

*  Syngenesophobia- Fear of relatives.

*  Thaasophobia- Fear of sitting.

*  Walloonphobia- Fear of the Walloons.

*  Zemmiphobia- Fear of the great mole rat.

Strange

I came across these pics last night and just shook my head.  They were taken when Cali was about a year old….and I’d noticed her light was still on after I’d put her to bed.  When I opened the door, this is what I found:

Four years later and not much has changed except her shoe size.  God love her….