Parental Irresponsibility

I love Katy Perry.  Seriously…I do.  Her tunes are bouncy, she’s beautiful in that classic sort of way and she can rock a night brace like none other.  But did you know she used to have blonde hair, a different last name and sing Jesus songs?  Talk about the cross-over of all cross-overs!

Anyway…if you have a small kid you know that out of 5 million words in a day, they’ll hone right in on the nasty inappropriate ones…repeating them loudly in church, school and grocery store check-out lines;  meanwhile, you’re left standing there trying to defend your pathetic lack of parental monitoring.  When this happens, I usually blame the public school system.

For Cali’s first three years of life, the only television channel she watched was Noggin (pre-commercials).  It was also during this time that she ate oatmeal and eggs…and never begged for stupid toys that squirt cookie dough and glow-in-the-dark paint.  I can’t really pin-point the exact time we exposed her to the other televised programming for children.  All I know is that after that, she started swilling Bubba Cola, walking like a hunchback, picking her nose and wearing peculiar things upon her head.  She also refused to eat roughage.  Truth be told, she became plumb ignorant.

(See pics below for verification)

So back to Katy Perry.  My kid is also a big fan because I have my iPod chuck full of her tunes.  We’ll have the sunroof open, cruising down Slappey Boulevard, singing about extraterrestrials and fireworks.  It was during one of these jaunts that my iPod’s battery died and we were left with nothing but talking space.  So she’s back there, slurping on a Slurpee, looking like a hillbilly when she asks:

“Mama.  What’s a menage a trois?”

A WHAT THE WHAT?!

“A menage a trois.  Katy Perry talked about that’s what she could have might have did last Friday night.”

*crickets*

And in my most brilliant parental save-a-scene to date, I replied:

“Chinese food.  It’s Chinese food.  She had Chinese food last Friday night.”

Katy…consider yourself censored.

Advertisements

Strange

I came across these pics last night and just shook my head.  They were taken when Cali was about a year old….and I’d noticed her light was still on after I’d put her to bed.  When I opened the door, this is what I found:

Four years later and not much has changed except her shoe size.  God love her….

Summer Vacation and Low Expectations

First day of summer vacation here.  When I say “vacation”, I mean the kid is out of school and in need of food and festivities.  Cali is one of those kids who has to be engaged from the rooter to the tooter; otherwise, she’s like one of those “Lord of the Flies” kids.

Every summer vacation starts the same.  Planning the calendar, scheduling stuff, making treats.  But after the 5th day in, I’m usually screaming, “Dear god make the pain go away!!”  And Cali is screaming, “I hate you and want new parents and a mansion!”

So this year I’ve set my expectations rather low.  I accept that I’m not one of those Bloggy Moms who appear to lead perfect lives via their websites.  I like to tell myself that they drink heavily behind the scenes and wear girdles.  I also accept that my kid isn’t one of the angels from a GAP commercial who skips and smiles.

So maybe this summer will be better, what with the bar set so low and all.  It’s 8 a.m. and Cali is out there in the pool jabbering loudly to the dog….no doubt making ALL the neighbors clap with delight.  Ordinarily this would bother me.  Today, it does not.  I went outside in boxers and no make-up.  Ordinarily THIS would bother me…but today it does not.  May have something to do with the PMS.  It’s hard to say for sure.

At any rate….here’s what’s on today’s agenda:

*  Construct a fairy house

*  Try to keep Cali from eating all the Jello cups in one sitting

That’s pretty much it.  I’ll post pics later to document my success or failure.  Hopefully by then I’ll have pants and make-up on.

Free Printables…for to entertain your kid.

So my offspring is on Spring Break this week.  Lookit.  I’m jumping up and down with joy.  It’s actually not terribly bad this year because her Daddy also took some time off to run interferance.  Thanks to Murphy and his shoddy list of laws, it went from sunny and 80 degrees to cold and rainy just about the time Spring Break started.

So.  Inside activities.  Yesterday was jigsaw puzzle day.  She did manage to walk her fanny down to the lake and fetch some nasty snail shells for me to clean.  Sometimes I wonder if she wouldn’t be happier out there in the doghouse, free to wander with abandon.   I’d take her to the Mall, but that’s like slow suicide, so I’ll have to come up with something else.

If you want some free printables, here’s a list of my faves.  You’d be surprised how long a kid can stay busy with a glue stick, scotch tape and a stack of printable fun times and crafts.  Some of these sites are for the Mamas…scrapbook and journal ephemera and whatnot.  Get busy!

(Click on images)

Familyfun.com

Kid Printables


DLTK Printable Crafts

Activity Village

Crayola

Paper Glitter

Karen’s Whimsy (Vintage paper dolls, ephemera, etc.)

Go Make Something (Collage art)

Graphic’s Fairy (Free vintage clip art)

Jingerup (Prints and patterns too cute for words)

Art-e-Zine (Vintage resources)

Living Locurto


Dollar Store Magic Times

I’m addicted to the Dollar Store the way Ezel is addicted to crack.  Seriously.  I’m like MacGyver up in there.  So I figured I’d periodically share some of my Dollar-ific creations….feel free to totally rip off my ideas.  In this economy, I encourage you to do so.

‘Pretty in Pink’

*  Glass cylinder vase: $1

*  Three (3) silk flower stems: $3

*  White satin ribbon: $1

*  Scrapbook paper: $1

TOTAL:  $6 of royal cheapness!

Another variation…also $6 (Dollar Store):

My Kid is a Liar

All kids lie.  I know this.  But when it becomes pathological and blatant…it’s disturbing.  For instance:  The pictures above?  Yeah, I found those on my camera after my kid swore on her American Girl’s life and a stack of bibles that she had NOT touched my camera.  Like I wouldn’t find this out?!  And look at her snide little face!  It’s insulting and condescending.

What’s it going to be like when she hits the tweens?  I know I need to prepare for it…but most of my brain doesn’t want to imagine the type of lying scenarios that will likely go down.

“No, mom!  I swear to Granny that I didn’t sneak out of the window last night and go hang out with a homeless man, who was NOT a stranger because he offered me something to drink.”

I take minimal comfort in knowing that I’m smarter than her.  I think.  But will I be one of those Mama Snoops?  The ones who root through their kid’s drawers and pockets while they’re away at school.  I don’t want to be that mom.  But over the weekend, I came upon something while cleaning her room that jarred me to the bone.

She’s a slob.  I won’t deny it.  So I expected to find the usual junk.  Stale cheerios, lip-gloss smeared all over the bookcase, Gushers with no gush in the middle.

What I did NOT expect to find were sugar packets hidden like bags of crack cocaine.  I found close to 15 of them…hidden in the trunk of Strawberry Shortcake’s car, in the Squinkie gum-ball machine, up Tinker Bell’s dress, inside of a Happy Meal toy that was inside an old Christmas tin that was at the bottom of her toy-box.  A few of them were shoved under the flaps of her Fisher Price pop-up book and I found the last few in Polly Pocket’s horse trailer.

I was appalled.  Frightened. Befuddled.  So as I’m standing there waving a sugar packet in front of her face, all I’m thinking is, “In a few years, this sugar packet is gonna be a fat bag of weed.”

Of course, she reminded me that these were mere allegations and ran outside to harass the cat.  I used to worry about her being imprisoned for life due to her committing some whack and heinous crime.  After witnessing her not-guilty plea to Mom vs. Liar, I’m convinced she could hoodwink the most experienced and seasoned prosecutor on the circuit.  With aplomb.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love my kid.  But she’s killing me, people….and there ain’t nothin’ soft about it.

Online Parental Surrogates


Here’s my theory.  Kids these days are born with some bio-cryonic freak gene that makes them computer-savvy at the ripe age of fetus.  I’m just about sick of my 5 year old making me look stupid.  Sometimes I want to get in her face like a Marine drill sergeant and call her names like “Maggot” and “Meat”.  I know that sounds harsh, but the kid is a smack-talker.

So much so, in fact, that her Daddy and I have stopped playing Wii with her.  I don’t have to sit there while some punk kid yells “Boo-Ya!” in my face every time she makes a hole-in-one or knocks me off a horse.  So I got up and walked.  I figure eventually Cali will run into another smack-talker in the wide world of sports and she’ll get what’s coming to her.

I know there are some hard-core moms out there who have made a vow to god and all things holy that their child will never come within 3 miles of a video game.  I’m not one of those moms.  I’m the mom who puts her kid on a leash in the airport.  Don’t judge me.

So anyway….I decided to post my top 5 websites that act as surrogates when I’m bloated and PMS-ing.  I promise you, they’re all kinds of clean and educational and violence-free.

1)  AGKidzone (American Greetings):

2)  Hub World:

3)  Fisher Price (ideal for the wee ones):

4)  Barbie:

5) Funbrain (mucho noggin stiumulation):