Time Flies

As of today, my daughter has wrapped up her first week of Kindergarten.  On her first day, her Daddy and I cried like she was going off to college, never to return.  It seems like yesterday that she crawled into Porterfield Day School in purple pants with ruffles.  Now she wears a uniform (that she hates), has a lopsided haircut and tells us to leave the classroom to spare her from embarrassment and shame.

Truly, I’m trying to keep up…but it’s becoming more and more evident that I’m going to be one of those moms who hide in bushes and spy on other kids so I can know what’s cool, what’s not and everything in between.  I have no shame.  I don’t care if Cali goes to school and hears, “Hey, Cali.  We saw your Mom again last night, skulking around in the bushes with a submarine style periscope trying to read what we were texting.”   I’m sure she’ll reply with, “I’m adopted.”

Anyway…here’s her first day of Kindy-garden….and a slide show of how far she’s come, baby.

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You Know You’re Ghetto If…

Did I mention that I live in the capital of Ghetto?  Well, FYI…Ghetto was born right here.  We have chicken bones in our Walmart parking lot and hair weaves that tumble along the sides of country roads like tumble-weaves.  (All of this is the gospel truth).  You may ask yourself…”What IS ghetto?”  Well, let me give you a few pictorial examples to wet your curiosity.

Ghetto Kitchen

Ghetto Fly-Swatter

Ghetto Mac & Cheese

Ghetto Bride

Ghetto Emergency Room

Ghetto Leaf Blower

Ghetto Refrigerator

Ghetto Lid

Ghetto Drive-Thru

Ghetto Computer Fan

Ghetto Bathroom Rules

Ghetto Relaxation

Ghetto Dog Leash

Ghetto Bill Paying

Ghetto Doughnut Shop

David Slater and the Monkeys

“They aren’t known for being particularly clever like chimps, just inquisitive. Despite probably never having any contact with humans before, they didn’t seem to feel threatened by our presence.”

That’s what photographer, David Slater, (pictured above) said about these Indonesian crested black macaques BEFORE they swiped his camera and started taking Facebook-worthy self portraits.  Perhaps they felt it necessary to shoot down the myth of chimps being smarter.  And who can blame them, really?  Truth be told, back in my early 20’s, I hung out with some pretty cool people who looked a lot like these macaques…so looking at these pics was like a walk down memory lane.

I wish my chronically depressed cat would take a self-portrait of her pathetic self so I could maybe sell it and have enough money to buy her expensive gimpy bowel food AND keep my lights on.

Just a Reminder

Public Service Announcement


There will be little to no posting for the remainder of the summer because I’m entirely too busy screwing off.    That is all.

All Hail Dale. Genius Dad!

I’ve already got a list of things I plan to do when Cali hits the tweens.  Things that will make her question her origin.  Like pretend to be deaf at parent teacher conferences.  Laugh if you want….but the “Deaf Ruse” is one of the most popular tools in my manipulation tool bag.

Picture it.  A full flight, crammed in between a mouth breather and an elderly woman with a colostomy bag.  The oh-so-not-perky air attendant swears to holy god that there aren’t any pillows left, all the blankets are in first class and no more snacks for coach.  Enter in the Deaf Ruse.  I call the air attendant over, nodding quickly to let her know I was a wee bit challenged, then commenced to making jacked up hand signals and mouthing, “May I please have a pillow?”

Oh hark, the change in demeanor!  I got a pillow, a blanket, two more snacks and liquor.  If the air attendant had been paying attention, she would’ve noticed that I was listening to my iPod.  They don’t screen ’em like they used to.

Anyway…let me tell you about Dale.  He’s a stay-at-home dad who came up with a genius idea that would humiliate his 16 year old son down to the ground.  Every morning when the bus would come to pick up the kid….here’d come dad.  All dressed up in crazy stuff.  CRAZY!  Every single day…waving at the bus!  Some major news outlets caught wind of his shenanigans and invited him to come on down…Inside Edition, Good Morning America, Fox News.

Dale had the good sense to blog about all this mess.  You can see all 170 costumes over at Wave At The Bus.  Dale…you’re one helluva guy!  Enjoy your Daddy Day!

The First Time I Started Using a Computer

The night I discovered the internet.

I’m one of those prehistoric people who remember when a floppy disk actually flopped. We got our first computer when I was a sophomore in high school…an Apple IIC. My mom bought it from a chick who later became the wife of my first husband. Not that it matters.

It came with a shoe-box full of the crappiest games of all time. There was an asteroid shoot ’em up game, a skiing game. I don’t remember anything else. I mainly used it for school…typing off reports and whatnot. It had one of those printers with the teeth. You know what I’m talking about. The paper had to be lined up like an astrological event in order to print right.

But the memory that’s burned into my cranium is the night I discovered the internet. I was dating an Agronomist at the time, and he spent a ridiculous amount of time in his lab, creating a magic formula that would make Ragweed extinct, leading to all the allergy sufferers worshiing the ground he walked on. So if I wanted to hang out with him, I came to the lab. I loved it in there. Sometimes he’d let me wear the white coat and pick up beekers for phoney analyzation.

So this one night, he was hunched over some petri dishes, totally engrossed in chemicals and I was being Chatty Cathy…which was obviously grating on his last nerve.

“Hey. Shut up and go over there….it’s a computer. Someone said you can talk to other people in there.”

Oh goodie! An activity! I sat down and was face to face with some wagon-wheel looking thing. Turned out to be Netscape. I honestly can’t remember how I bumbled my way into one of these chat rooms. They didn’t have names like “Married But Flirting”, or “I Love Feet”. They were just numbered. So I picked a number and in I came like a half-drunk cowboy talking smack.

There weren’t moderators back then. It was just mass confusion, and I was smack in the middle of it. There were Ohio State students asking to meet up in the bushes over by the Varsity Club. Which I agreed to do. I wasn’t actually going to meet them. I was merely entertaining myself. There was something funny about knowing some half-stupid med student was poking around in a bush asking if SugarBooger869 was in there somewhere.

After a bunch of rebel-rousing, I settled down to talk to some chick on the other side of the world. It blew my mind that I was actually speaking to a live human being on the other side of the planet!! I demanded to know why I hadn’t been informed of this invention! My boyfriend pointed out that I should’ve gotten a job and gone to college so that I would know the answers to these type of questions.

Needless to say, the boyfriend ran like the wind. But my computer? It’s still right here, baby. On my lap. Screw that De Beers diamond-is-forever nonsense. I’ve got a better slogan:

Boys, Men and Dogs come and go; but your computer will never leave your side and leave you feeling worthless and abandoned, forcing you to crash diet and cut off all your hair.

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