So the question was recently posed to me: What would you do if you had a magic wand for one day?
Oh! What would I do?! The question is….what WOULDN’T I do? I’d be bippity-boppity-boo-ing all over the place like a magic Mad Hatter and there’d be nothing you could do to stop me. Because I’d be magic. With a wand. And you’d be defenseless and republican.
So I’ve composed a list outlining exactly what I’d do with a magic wand over the course of one day. (Keep in mind that I’m magic…so travel is super fast and I can go anywhere with a snap of my magic fingers.)
Also, my wand would have sound effects. So with every wave, you’d hear “Thwap Thwap”.
1) You know those extreme coupon crazies who hold up the grocery lines so they can acquire 200 pounds of band-aids and toe nail clippers? Thwap Thwap!
2) I would Thwap my Ma and Pa in the head to erase all of the grief and woe I bestowed upon them in my youth.
3) I would also Thwap my brother who I abused and tormented as if he were a pet….for to take away the mental anguish.
4) I would Thwap my kid so maybe she wouldn’t talk so much and make my nerves get nervous.
5) I would Thwap my chronically depressed cat nine times so she can go towards the light and be happy and at peace.
6) All libraries would remain open for 24 hours…and there’d be coffee and pastries served up for free and you wouldn’t have to pay your fines to use the public computers.
7) I’d Thwap Fox News and CNN into a boxing ring and start banging on a bell while yelling “Jesus or Obama?! You tell me!”
8. Casey Anthony would be Thwapped repeatedly and condemned to a lifetime of solitary confinement while being fed a diet of Ex-Lax and Tab cola.
9) I’d Thwap my lips fuller.
10) All ground beef would be free for the taking….without violence.
11) I’d Thwap myself invisible and make pompous soccer moms fall down in public…like three times in a row…then start pouring malt liquor all over the place so people would shake their heads sadly and say, “Oh. She’s gone to drankin’ again.” They’d be Thwapped humble!
12) Stretch marks…be Thwapped! For everyone!
13) I’d Thwap this country debt free and make the Chinese have to buy everything American made.
14) My sharpie pens would never run out of ink.
15) I’d Thwap gas station owners just because they own a gas station. Guilty by association.
16) I’d Thwap Brian Wilson for wearing that Spandex suit out in public.
17) Lindsey Lohan? Thwapped in the face. Paris Hilton? Thwapped in the knees. Sarah Palin? Thwapped everywhere.
18) All fish would taste like chicken.
19) I’d Thwap my mortgage Paid in Full.
20) The ocean would be restored to its original condition…free from pollution and 3 eyed fish of unknown origin.
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