New York vs. The World

I’ve only known a handful of born ‘n bred New Yorkers….and all of them wore capes and chewed glass.  Now with Hurricane Irene bearing down on New York, the strongest of the strong are in front of the TV cameras…smiling and pointing out that they ain’t skeered.  Cabs are still driving around, people are still shopping.  Dare I say…..IDIOTS?!

In their defense, maybe they’re just ultimate optimists.  It seems the the majority of those who are staying in the zones that were ordered to be evacuated are quite certain this will be nothing more than a summer rain shower.  That all this talk of mayhem and destruction is nothing more than media hype.  I hope they’re right.  I especially hope that the dude who bought 20 cans of Chef Boyardee for his “Emergency Kit” and put his sofa up on old encyclopedias (leaving the TV down on sea level)….I hope that guy does okay.

I won’t lie.  I’m a lover of inclement weather…and there’s secretly a part of me that wishes I was in the eye of Irene with a microphone and rain gear.  But I have a husband and kid…so my days of irresponsible and risky activity are pretty much over.  In all seriousness, I hope that those in this hurricane’s Danger Zone make it through with minimal damage.

You can visit Ready.gov to get all the info you need to put together an Emergency Preparedness Kit.

Crisis Landing has tons of phone apps that give info on shelters, weather updates and tracking maps.

Red Cross has an extensive Hurricane Safety Checklist that outlines what to do, supplies you’ll need and what to do after the storm passes.

FEMA has tons of readiness info for all kinds of disasters.

Button up and keep safe!

The Push-Pop Trend

Looks like the long-standing cupcake trend has had a make-over.  And you know what?  I totally dig it!  I’m honked off that I didn’t think of this in the first place.  Of course, the first thing my cheap self thought when I saw these was, “Hope!  I can make push-ups with that cheap sherbet and my kid will never know they’re not the grossly over-priced rainbow ones!”

You can find these push-pop containers at the Layer Cake Shop (my fave place for baking supplies).  I can’t wait to make some of these myself.   These are a few that are inspiring me to binge on cake batter and sprinkles.  (Click on image to visit site).

Shifty-Eyed Evader or Unblinking Intimidator?

So where are YOU on a scale between shifty-eyed evader and unblinking intimidator?  I’d like to say I’m somewhere in between.  Pretty much right around the “Stink Eye” marker.  In my youth, I was told that my glare could melt stone…but I’ve mellowed out in my old age.  Now my glare only melts ice and I make actual eye contact with people.

Truth be told, the type of “eye” you give or get depends on the situation at hand.  For instance, if you let one rip during Wednesday night communion, then you will get a grab-bag of nasty looks.  If you believe you have magical powers and can re-arrange someone’s face from a distance, then chances are you’re an Unblinking Intimidator.   It’s easy to spot the Shifty-Eyed Evaders.  Just shine a flash-light in their face and ask them where they were on the night of May 12, 1985, at approximately 10:42 pm.

I will now share with you my top ten facial expressions that I use on a frequent basis.

1.  The Blank Stare

2.  The Petulant Pout

3.  The Grisly Grimace

4.  The Sho-Nuff Snobby

5.  The Snarky Snarl

6.  The Aggravated Because You Just Did Something Holy Stupid look

7.  The Nonchalant Side Glance

8.  The Irked & Irate Wide-Eyed Combo

9.  The Disgusted Snortle

10.  The Contempt Crusher…reserved for Mediacom and the Credit Bureau.

Fortune Cookies: The Guilt Factor

My friends and I recently had a conversation about fortune cookies and their impact on our fragile emotions.  Some of us took the fortunes seriously.  Others laughed them off as hogwash and tomfoolery.  A few sank into a puddle of depression because their last four cookies were fortune-less.  It was then suggested that I should look into becoming a fortune writer for a fortune cookie company to supplement my income…apparently because I have the uncanny ability to build you up one minute, then tear you down the next.

Here’s my top 25.  It’s still a work in progress.

1) General Failure will read your hard disk soon.

2)  You will die alone and poorly dressed.

3)  Now is the time to make circles with mints.  Make haste!

4)  The end is near…and it’s all YOUR fault.

5)  Help!  I’m being held hostage in a Chinese bakery!

6)  Never tease an armed midget with a high five.

7)  The rubber bands are headed in your direction.

8)  People Google you and laugh.

9)  I stole your husband on Craig’s List.

10)  Hope you enjoyed the meow meow chicken.

11)  The monkeys see you.  They see everything.

12)  All of your hard work will never pay off.

13)  You are boring to talk to.

14)  You have the face of a near sighted rodeo clown.

15)  You will attend a party where strange customs prevail.

16)  Don’t be a cold fish.

17)  Yes.  Everyone is laughing AT you.

18)  The Chinese food you just ate actually came off the back of a truck from Jersey.

19)  You will eat many oysters but never get the pearl.

20)  Don’t fry bacon naked.

21)  Your colon will self destruct in 5..4..3..

22)  Forgive your enemies…but remember their name, address, phone number and drug use history.

23)  Going to church, teaching Sunday school and wearing skirts ‘n pantyhose doesn’t make you a christian.

24)  Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

25)  Stupid looks fabulous on you.

Paper Shoes!

Don’t you just love paper?  I do.  I love paper.  I want to make myself a paper dress.  I’d always thought paper shoes were out of the question.  UNTIL!  Lookie here!  I found paper shews!  The Cinderella princess shoe is actually part of a Glamour Princess printable party pack you can find HERE….for free!

The baby shoe template can be found HERE.  I think they’re a great idea for baby shower favors.  Or cats.  Whatever.  Get some scissors and carry on.

All Hail Dale. Genius Dad!

I’ve already got a list of things I plan to do when Cali hits the tweens.  Things that will make her question her origin.  Like pretend to be deaf at parent teacher conferences.  Laugh if you want….but the “Deaf Ruse” is one of the most popular tools in my manipulation tool bag.

Picture it.  A full flight, crammed in between a mouth breather and an elderly woman with a colostomy bag.  The oh-so-not-perky air attendant swears to holy god that there aren’t any pillows left, all the blankets are in first class and no more snacks for coach.  Enter in the Deaf Ruse.  I call the air attendant over, nodding quickly to let her know I was a wee bit challenged, then commenced to making jacked up hand signals and mouthing, “May I please have a pillow?”

Oh hark, the change in demeanor!  I got a pillow, a blanket, two more snacks and liquor.  If the air attendant had been paying attention, she would’ve noticed that I was listening to my iPod.  They don’t screen ’em like they used to.

Anyway…let me tell you about Dale.  He’s a stay-at-home dad who came up with a genius idea that would humiliate his 16 year old son down to the ground.  Every morning when the bus would come to pick up the kid….here’d come dad.  All dressed up in crazy stuff.  CRAZY!  Every single day…waving at the bus!  Some major news outlets caught wind of his shenanigans and invited him to come on down…Inside Edition, Good Morning America, Fox News.

Dale had the good sense to blog about all this mess.  You can see all 170 costumes over at Wave At The Bus.  Dale…you’re one helluva guy!  Enjoy your Daddy Day!

Summer Vacation and Low Expectations

First day of summer vacation here.  When I say “vacation”, I mean the kid is out of school and in need of food and festivities.  Cali is one of those kids who has to be engaged from the rooter to the tooter; otherwise, she’s like one of those “Lord of the Flies” kids.

Every summer vacation starts the same.  Planning the calendar, scheduling stuff, making treats.  But after the 5th day in, I’m usually screaming, “Dear god make the pain go away!!”  And Cali is screaming, “I hate you and want new parents and a mansion!”

So this year I’ve set my expectations rather low.  I accept that I’m not one of those Bloggy Moms who appear to lead perfect lives via their websites.  I like to tell myself that they drink heavily behind the scenes and wear girdles.  I also accept that my kid isn’t one of the angels from a GAP commercial who skips and smiles.

So maybe this summer will be better, what with the bar set so low and all.  It’s 8 a.m. and Cali is out there in the pool jabbering loudly to the dog….no doubt making ALL the neighbors clap with delight.  Ordinarily this would bother me.  Today, it does not.  I went outside in boxers and no make-up.  Ordinarily THIS would bother me…but today it does not.  May have something to do with the PMS.  It’s hard to say for sure.

At any rate….here’s what’s on today’s agenda:

*  Construct a fairy house

*  Try to keep Cali from eating all the Jello cups in one sitting

That’s pretty much it.  I’ll post pics later to document my success or failure.  Hopefully by then I’ll have pants and make-up on.