New York vs. The World

I’ve only known a handful of born ‘n bred New Yorkers….and all of them wore capes and chewed glass.  Now with Hurricane Irene bearing down on New York, the strongest of the strong are in front of the TV cameras…smiling and pointing out that they ain’t skeered.  Cabs are still driving around, people are still shopping.  Dare I say…..IDIOTS?!

In their defense, maybe they’re just ultimate optimists.  It seems the the majority of those who are staying in the zones that were ordered to be evacuated are quite certain this will be nothing more than a summer rain shower.  That all this talk of mayhem and destruction is nothing more than media hype.  I hope they’re right.  I especially hope that the dude who bought 20 cans of Chef Boyardee for his “Emergency Kit” and put his sofa up on old encyclopedias (leaving the TV down on sea level)….I hope that guy does okay.

I won’t lie.  I’m a lover of inclement weather…and there’s secretly a part of me that wishes I was in the eye of Irene with a microphone and rain gear.  But I have a husband and kid…so my days of irresponsible and risky activity are pretty much over.  In all seriousness, I hope that those in this hurricane’s Danger Zone make it through with minimal damage.

You can visit Ready.gov to get all the info you need to put together an Emergency Preparedness Kit.

Crisis Landing has tons of phone apps that give info on shelters, weather updates and tracking maps.

Red Cross has an extensive Hurricane Safety Checklist that outlines what to do, supplies you’ll need and what to do after the storm passes.

FEMA has tons of readiness info for all kinds of disasters.

Button up and keep safe!

The Push-Pop Trend

Looks like the long-standing cupcake trend has had a make-over.  And you know what?  I totally dig it!  I’m honked off that I didn’t think of this in the first place.  Of course, the first thing my cheap self thought when I saw these was, “Hope!  I can make push-ups with that cheap sherbet and my kid will never know they’re not the grossly over-priced rainbow ones!”

You can find these push-pop containers at the Layer Cake Shop (my fave place for baking supplies).  I can’t wait to make some of these myself.   These are a few that are inspiring me to binge on cake batter and sprinkles.  (Click on image to visit site).

Shifty-Eyed Evader or Unblinking Intimidator?

So where are YOU on a scale between shifty-eyed evader and unblinking intimidator?  I’d like to say I’m somewhere in between.  Pretty much right around the “Stink Eye” marker.  In my youth, I was told that my glare could melt stone…but I’ve mellowed out in my old age.  Now my glare only melts ice and I make actual eye contact with people.

Truth be told, the type of “eye” you give or get depends on the situation at hand.  For instance, if you let one rip during Wednesday night communion, then you will get a grab-bag of nasty looks.  If you believe you have magical powers and can re-arrange someone’s face from a distance, then chances are you’re an Unblinking Intimidator.   It’s easy to spot the Shifty-Eyed Evaders.  Just shine a flash-light in their face and ask them where they were on the night of May 12, 1985, at approximately 10:42 pm.

I will now share with you my top ten facial expressions that I use on a frequent basis.

1.  The Blank Stare

2.  The Petulant Pout

3.  The Grisly Grimace

4.  The Sho-Nuff Snobby

5.  The Snarky Snarl

6.  The Aggravated Because You Just Did Something Holy Stupid look

7.  The Nonchalant Side Glance

8.  The Irked & Irate Wide-Eyed Combo

9.  The Disgusted Snortle

10.  The Contempt Crusher…reserved for Mediacom and the Credit Bureau.

Parental Irresponsibility

I love Katy Perry.  Seriously…I do.  Her tunes are bouncy, she’s beautiful in that classic sort of way and she can rock a night brace like none other.  But did you know she used to have blonde hair, a different last name and sing Jesus songs?  Talk about the cross-over of all cross-overs!

Anyway…if you have a small kid you know that out of 5 million words in a day, they’ll hone right in on the nasty inappropriate ones…repeating them loudly in church, school and grocery store check-out lines;  meanwhile, you’re left standing there trying to defend your pathetic lack of parental monitoring.  When this happens, I usually blame the public school system.

For Cali’s first three years of life, the only television channel she watched was Noggin (pre-commercials).  It was also during this time that she ate oatmeal and eggs…and never begged for stupid toys that squirt cookie dough and glow-in-the-dark paint.  I can’t really pin-point the exact time we exposed her to the other televised programming for children.  All I know is that after that, she started swilling Bubba Cola, walking like a hunchback, picking her nose and wearing peculiar things upon her head.  She also refused to eat roughage.  Truth be told, she became plumb ignorant.

(See pics below for verification)

So back to Katy Perry.  My kid is also a big fan because I have my iPod chuck full of her tunes.  We’ll have the sunroof open, cruising down Slappey Boulevard, singing about extraterrestrials and fireworks.  It was during one of these jaunts that my iPod’s battery died and we were left with nothing but talking space.  So she’s back there, slurping on a Slurpee, looking like a hillbilly when she asks:

“Mama.  What’s a menage a trois?”

A WHAT THE WHAT?!

“A menage a trois.  Katy Perry talked about that’s what she could have might have did last Friday night.”

*crickets*

And in my most brilliant parental save-a-scene to date, I replied:

“Chinese food.  It’s Chinese food.  She had Chinese food last Friday night.”

Katy…consider yourself censored.

The Compassion of a Child

I try not to let my daughter sit around and watch CNN.  If she happens to be in the room when the evening local news comes on, she’ll walk away, saying “Too much dead and sad!”  But last week she happened to be in the room when CNN aired footage of the women and children starving over in Somalia…and I watched as a small piece of innocence fell away from my child’s heart.  I watched as confusion and worry began to furrow her brow.

In her pure and undiluted mind, babies without food was inconceivable.  I tried to explain it as best as I could.  That some very bad men were keeping the good people from bringing food to feed the mommies and babies.  “But all they are having is rotten rice!”  I could’ve given her the age-old speech:  You better clean your plate!  See…kids are starving in this world!  But I didn’t think it appropriate.  In five seconds, Cali had formulated a plan that made perfect sense and appeared to be a no-brainer.

“I’ll get a car with wheels that fly instead of roll…and I’ll fly really fast over to that world where those babies and mommies are starving and sick without their food.  Then I’ll hurry up and give them their food and leave very fast so the bad men can’t see me.”

Not once did she say “We should go kill those bad men!”  She just thought of a way to get around them.  This morning on the way to school, she was still talking about getting that flying car put together so she could get that food over there.  “I wish I could fly”, she said.

And I thought to myself…my child DOES fly.  She flies over the heads of cynical and bitter adults consumed with political ideals and mind-sets, religious dogma and self-righteous beliefs.  She doesn’t see all of the obstacles…she sees the way in…then through…then out.  That void left by lost innocence was quickly filled with pure compassion.

I totally see the Peace Corp in this kid’s future.

You Know You’re Ghetto If…

Did I mention that I live in the capital of Ghetto?  Well, FYI…Ghetto was born right here.  We have chicken bones in our Walmart parking lot and hair weaves that tumble along the sides of country roads like tumble-weaves.  (All of this is the gospel truth).  You may ask yourself…”What IS ghetto?”  Well, let me give you a few pictorial examples to wet your curiosity.

Ghetto Kitchen

Ghetto Fly-Swatter

Ghetto Mac & Cheese

Ghetto Bride

Ghetto Emergency Room

Ghetto Leaf Blower

Ghetto Refrigerator

Ghetto Lid

Ghetto Drive-Thru

Ghetto Computer Fan

Ghetto Bathroom Rules

Ghetto Relaxation

Ghetto Dog Leash

Ghetto Bill Paying

Ghetto Doughnut Shop

Paper Shoes!

Don’t you just love paper?  I do.  I love paper.  I want to make myself a paper dress.  I’d always thought paper shoes were out of the question.  UNTIL!  Lookie here!  I found paper shews!  The Cinderella princess shoe is actually part of a Glamour Princess printable party pack you can find HERE….for free!

The baby shoe template can be found HERE.  I think they’re a great idea for baby shower favors.  Or cats.  Whatever.  Get some scissors and carry on.

Genius in Silhouette

I don’t impress easily.  It’s true.  It’s not because I’m snotty…it’s more because I set the bar sky-high.  I’ve only been impressed with myself ONCE and that was making it through the birth canal with minimal damage.  There’s also very little I haven’t seen.  That whole “Curiosity Killed the Cat” is a crock.

So I was only half paying attention to that TV show “America’s Got Talent” when they announced an act called Silhouettes.  Like I said…I don’t impress easily.  But this group of 42 kids ranging in age from 3 to 18 blew my mind, yo.  BLEW IT!  And I cried.  I’ll admit it.  I wept.  The choreography was absolute genius these kids dance with more heart and soul than I’ve ever seen in my life.  It’s like 42 different bodies with one heart and mind.  It’s truly an experience to watch them.

So far they’ve done two acts that were nothing alike, yet equally amazing.  I think that speaks volumes of their raw talent.  Check out their performances and for the love of GOD, go vote for these kids next time they perform.  It’s not everyday you see something you’ve never seen before.  (Click on pics to watch videos)

If I Had a Magic Wand: Thwap!

So the question was recently posed to me:  What would you do if you had a magic wand for one day?

Oh!  What would I do?!  The question is….what WOULDN’T I do?  I’d be bippity-boppity-boo-ing all over the place like a magic Mad Hatter and there’d be nothing you could do to stop me.  Because I’d be magic.  With a wand.  And you’d be defenseless and republican.

So I’ve composed a list outlining exactly what I’d do with a magic wand over the course of one day.  (Keep in mind that I’m magic…so travel is super fast and I can go anywhere with a snap of my magic fingers.)

Also, my wand would have sound effects.  So with every wave, you’d hear “Thwap Thwap”.

1)  You know those extreme coupon crazies who hold up the grocery lines so they can acquire 200 pounds of band-aids and toe nail clippers?  Thwap Thwap!

2)  I would Thwap my Ma and Pa in the head to erase all of the grief and woe I bestowed upon them in my youth.

3)  I would also Thwap my brother who I abused and tormented as if he were a pet….for to take away the mental anguish.

4)  I would Thwap my kid so maybe she wouldn’t talk so much and make my nerves get nervous.

5)  I would Thwap my chronically depressed cat nine times so she can go towards the light and be happy and at peace.

6)  All libraries would remain open for 24 hours…and there’d be coffee and pastries served up for free and you wouldn’t have to pay your fines to use the public computers.

7)  I’d Thwap Fox News and CNN into a boxing ring and start banging on a bell while yelling “Jesus or Obama?!  You tell me!”

8.  Casey Anthony would be Thwapped repeatedly and condemned to a lifetime of solitary confinement while being fed a diet of Ex-Lax and Tab cola.

9)  I’d Thwap my lips fuller.

10)  All ground beef would be free for the taking….without violence.

11)  I’d Thwap myself invisible and make pompous soccer moms fall down in public…like three times in a row…then start pouring malt liquor all over the place so people would shake their heads sadly and say, “Oh.  She’s gone to drankin’ again.”  They’d be Thwapped humble!

12)  Stretch marks…be Thwapped!  For everyone!

13)  I’d Thwap this country debt free and make the Chinese have to buy everything American made.

14)  My sharpie pens would never run out of ink.

15)  I’d Thwap gas station owners just because they own a gas station.  Guilty by association.

16)  I’d Thwap Brian Wilson for wearing that Spandex suit out in public.

17)  Lindsey Lohan?  Thwapped in the face.  Paris Hilton?  Thwapped in the knees.  Sarah Palin?  Thwapped everywhere.

18)  All fish would taste like chicken.

19)  I’d Thwap my mortgage Paid in Full.

20)  The ocean would be restored to its original condition…free from pollution and 3 eyed fish of unknown origin.

David Slater and the Monkeys

“They aren’t known for being particularly clever like chimps, just inquisitive. Despite probably never having any contact with humans before, they didn’t seem to feel threatened by our presence.”

That’s what photographer, David Slater, (pictured above) said about these Indonesian crested black macaques BEFORE they swiped his camera and started taking Facebook-worthy self portraits.  Perhaps they felt it necessary to shoot down the myth of chimps being smarter.  And who can blame them, really?  Truth be told, back in my early 20’s, I hung out with some pretty cool people who looked a lot like these macaques…so looking at these pics was like a walk down memory lane.

I wish my chronically depressed cat would take a self-portrait of her pathetic self so I could maybe sell it and have enough money to buy her expensive gimpy bowel food AND keep my lights on.